PGA Tour Headquarters
May 18, 2005
Tim Finchem: Thanks for coming guys. Reminder – it’s a TV contract year and I want to make sure we do everything possible to maximize ratings and give the fans a quality product. It’s a bit of a 911 situation after Ted Purdy’s win at the Byron followed Peter Petrovic and Tim Lonard’s first PGA wins. Sponsors are complaining about not getting full value for their checks. They’ve asked us to follow the Super Bowl model, where even blowouts like the last few years get watched for the cool commercials. Let’s see what we can do to help out – thoughts?
Vijay Singh: First of all, it’s Peter Lonard and Tim Petrovic – geez, Peter Petrovic, what kind of sick parent would saddle a kid with that name? There are only 125 of us with PGA cards, you think you could keep the names straight?
Phil Mickelson: What Super Bowls are you watching Tim? All 3 New England wins have been by a field goal. Only Tampa’s blowout of the Raiders wasn’t close, and I’m good with that since I bet the over fairly heavily. Before that Dyson was a forearm from putting the Titans into OT against the Rams. Like rumors of Tiger’s recent dominance, the myth of Super Bowl blowouts is more than a bit misleading. On the marketing side, the Big 4 marketing campaign is working great. Or is it the “big 5” campaign – hard to say exactly how diversified you want to get the portfolio, but Retief seems worthy of mention, even when missing the cut at the Byron. Getting fans to recognize there’s players to watch other than Tiger is good for everyone – more fans will watch weeks Tiger’s not playing, sponsors get better value for their marketing dollars, and the networks get some star exposure from someone other than Michelle Wie at the Sony.
Retief: You want to mock missed cuts – how’s the one from that 3-putt on the 17th green Sunday at Shinnecock feel?
Phil: Wow, little defensive there, Goose.
Ernie: What do you expect Phil? He’s still having a hard time over the little LA Open drinking incident. Flies half-way around the world, does a big shindig with an alcohol sponsor, and gets nuked for missing his Wednesday pro-am. Does anyone really think that Tiger would’ve gotten DQed for missing a pro-am starting time?
Phil: Yeah, right, Tiger would’ve called Finchem collect to get that over-turned, than bragged about it in the locker room.
Tiger Woods: Boys, let’s stay on point. Yeah, good call Lefty. That big 4/big 5/big 10 thing’s had a nice ride and all, but it’s time to put it to bed. It died the minute that putt of mine went right in the middle on 18 at Augusta. Major drought – over. Pesky slump word – dead as Jimmy Hoffa. Which big 4/5/18 will win this week conveniently replaced by journalists choice of “who can beat Tiger?” and “can Tiger win the slam?” And let’s just say that my desire for another US Open is particularly high – who knew Elin would get so excited about me winning golf tournaments? Long Sunday night, let me tell you, and did I mention how hot she looked in that Sunday red outfit I picked out for her?
Vijay: First, stop referring to yourself in the 3rd person. Vijay thinks it’s a really stupid way to have a conversation. Second, all of us PGA guys can find hotties – Pernice hasn’t won a tournament in years and he’s got one of the best looking wives around. Third, no way you picked that outfit out – that had to be Nike. Fourth, journalists may be on to something – that 0-for-10 included some real dogs, including that Saturday 81 at the British. You may not like the slump word, but if the shoe fits. As for “who can beat Tiger?” – you did nothing in the majors last year while I won Player of the Year with 9 wins. So I know a little something about long nights on Sunday, alright?
Tiger: Wow – there’s a visual I didn’t need. And like your 2004 does anything for the tour – you’re still the most boring guy to watch win 9 tournaments we can find. You make Duval look like Mr. Excitement. Besides, that was then, this is now. For 2005 it’s Tiger 1, rest of you guys 0 in tourneys that matter. Plus, I didn’t just win Augusta, I set up one of the all-time commercial opps with that pitch on 16 hanging on the lip with the Nike logo sitting there for all to see. Why do you think I was grinding over that thing – it was an easy enough chip but it took a while to do the math on the revolutions needed and the distance covered to get it to hang right there before going in. Now that’s adding value for your sponsors – I would’ve done the math quicker but I only finished two years at Stanford.
Ernie: Come on Tiger, you expect us to believe that you spent extra time on 16 for a sponsor benefit while you were in a dogfight with DiMarco. You’ve got to be kidding, right? And by the way, at my house, we get long nights for wins on any tour, so my globe-trotting has some fringe benefits.
Finchem: OK, guys, enough about the long nights. Geez, you get to be my age, and you have long nights for entirely different reasons. I had some Mexican food last week and let me tell you
Vijay: Tim …
Finchem: Right, sorry Vijay, I digress, back to our topic. What are we going to do make sure the sponsors get full value?
Mickelson: Well obviously most of the guys out here can play, so there’s some risk with the Big 4 campaign. As well as we’ve played, Tim’s right that over half the tournaments have been won by other players – 11 of 20 through the Byron. What about reviving the “These guys are good” clips and updating them. My full court flop shot to David Robinson for a game-winning slam was an instant classic and helped the casual fan relate to some of our skills. What if we had DiMarco hitting wedge right over an FSU cornerback to an open Gator receiver?
Tiger: I don’t know – how many Gators fans play golf? Plus casual golf fans have the attention span of a 3-year old and don’t buy the “These guys are good” ads anymore. They see all these great shots on commercials, but then some guy like DiMarco gets in a position to win and starts choking like a dog on the back nine on Sunday. We need to give them something to stay focused on, some kind of rivalry like Sox-Yankees or Stanford-Arizona.
Mickelson: Yeah, good call Tiger, let’s aspire to match a west coast Pac 10 rivalry game that means nothing east of New Mexico. I graduated from ASU and the Pac 10 gets a bum rap from east coast fish wrap hacks, but you gotta think bigger.
Vijay: Hey, Tiger, that was you, not Chris, that made bogey on 17 and 18. You’re lucky to be wearing that new green jacket – if either of Chris’ chips go in, that’s his jacket.
Tiger: You’re kidding, right – when’s the last time I missed a putt that mattered, other than those par putts on 17 and 18.
Finchem: Let’s get back on topic.
Vijay: OK, Tim, let’s go with the sponsor’s premise that entertaining commercials are one of the things that keep fans watching, no matter who’s leading. How about if we promote the upcoming commercials for the week in the previous week’s broadcast?
Finchem: Go on, Vijay, you might be on to something.
Vijay: So during Sunday’s telecast at the Byron Nelson, we could do a promo like next week at Colonial, see Justin Leonard, David Love III, and Phil Mickelson compete for the title, as well as great new ads from Titleist, Nike, and Footjoy.
Finchem: Intriguing – more details please.
Vijay: Well, the Nike boys have just scratched the surface with Frank the headcover. Sure Frank’s “best contact you’ve made all year Duval” comment after David breaks the SUV window is mildly entertaining, but talk about kicking a man when he’s down. Here’s a thought – what if we extended Frank to covering current events on the PGA Tour? For example, what if Frank and Tiger were walking right past the Byron Nelson statute out to the parking lot and Frank ends with “Thanks for the weekend off, I’ve been trying to catch up on my naps and spend more time with this hottie in Parnevik’s bag – it’ll be much easier now.” Tiger could respond with “Yeah, that Jesper’s taking care of both of us, isn’t he, Frank?”
Ernie: Wow, are you writing your own material these days Vijay? That’s pretty solid stuff, especially with that dead-pan delivery.
Tiger: Did I mention how hot Elin looked on Masters Sunday, or what a long night it was on Sunday?
Phil: Uh, yeah, at least twice now.
Vijay: I’m not done. Ernie, we could put Frank in your bag, or get you your own Frank, and he could yell “fore right – clean up on aisle 53” after a clip of your drive on 18 at Kapalua. 100-yard fairway and you still miss it – tragic. It’s the second coming of the Barkley “clean up on aisle 12” spot.
Ernie: OK, that’s not funny – although I do hit the play button on my Tivo everytime Barkley stops his swing at the top like that – he’s going to need a good chiropractor. Wait, I’ve got one – Vijay, we could put Frank in your bag and have a 2-take spot. Take 1 – show the missed putt against Padraig at the Honda and Frank shakes his head again and says “You can play drivers right to left, play putts to go STRAIGHT!” Take 2 – show your splash-down on 18 at Arnie’s and Frank shakes his head and says “I told him to hit one more club, but no, he says he’s been working out.”
Phil: Very nice Ernie, that should keep fans entertained. Hey, here’s a flashback, let’s revisit the Sergio commercial where he’s driving in the Mercedes convertible. I could be driving the new Ford Mustang convertible, that’s right, the one with the 5-liter V-8, and saying “I didn’t have my B game last year on Sunday at Augusta and I still won.”
Retief: Phil, you idiot, Sergio said “I didn’t have my A game today” as a mocking reference to Tiger saying it after a win early in his career. Using B game there makes no sense at all – like choosing a flop shot when a simple pitch and run will do the job, but enough about your shot selection. Plus, why would you include a specific reference to a tournament? Also, just for reference, what made Sergio’s funny was he was working on his English skills – he’s Spanish if you couldn’t tell from his on-course histrionics – and for the rest of us English is our lingua franca. For such a creative genius around the short game, sure hard to get you to think outside of the box for this project.
Phil: It took me 40-some majors to win that green jacket – I’ll throw it in as many gratuitous references as possible for the next 40-some.
Tiger: Easy on the vocabulary, Retief – histrionics? I took that credit/no credit and barely passed – lots of roadies that semester. And lingua franca – I intentionally shied away from international languages in my class choices, knowing that I could make Tim or whoever have all the big tournaments in the US if I needed to – not that I’d ever play that card.
Retief: For the language challenged – not naming names … Tiger – histrionics is emotional behavior that lacks sincerity, like when Sergio gets all hot after pushing a 7-iron 10 yards right when that’s where he was aiming, or like you smiling at fans as if you care about them. Lingua franca is common language – it’s a Latin term. You know they’ve really got some great on-line courses if you’re interested. I’ll email you a link.
Tiger: What’s email? And are you saying I don’t care about the fans – I connect with them. When’s the last time you actually gave a fist pump?
Retief: Like the lightning that struck me as a teenager, sometimes you almost kill me. You connect with the fans – you’re the Ivan Lendl of golf. If you could play majors in front of no crowds, you would – particularly if you could set it up on pay-per-view and get a cut. And the fist pump is so over-rated – remember, the fist pump on 16 set up a bogey-bogey finish and a playoff at Augusta. You shold be more even-keeled, like me.
Tiger: You may be on to something with that no fans and pay-per-view thing. Let’s catch up on that one later – maybe just a pay-per-view for my two-some on the weekend, whenever we tee off.
Vijay: How about if we do more with Sign Boy? Rob’s really funny, and he’ll do anything – when I told him to sit there for 6 hours and keep putting balls on a tee for me while we were filming, who knew he’d do it and not take a bathroom break for half of that time? Twice I grazed his left knee with my driver and put drives 10 yards right, so of course I had to spend a few more hours working things out with my swing. That kind of perseverance deserves an award, or at least a reward.
Ernie: A reward for you, for hitting golf balls? Setting the bar a bit low, isn’t it, Vijay?
Vijay: No, not for me Ernie, for Rob.
Phil: I’ve got it – how about if we combine Desperate Housewives with Sign Boy? We can have Rob working the 17th hole of the Open and it’s all tied up and on the walk to 18 tee Teri Hatcher pops out of nowhere and says “Sign Boy, I want you.” Rob’s no dummy – he throws the sign to a guy in the audience and says “Vijay’ll have to play the 18th without me!”
Finchem: Whoa, hold it right there, you know how much grief ABC and the Monday Night Football crew took for the towel skit with Terrell Owens?
Phil: Listen, Tim, you’re the guy who says we want to deliver value to sponsors. Does anyone really think that Terrell’s sponsors, ABC’s sponsors, or the advertisers on Desperate Housewives didn’t come out ahead on that event from the publicity side? If you want to deliver maximum sponsor value, sometimes you’ve got to live on the edge a little bit.
Finchem: You’ve got a point – OK, Vijay you call Rob and start getting things set up. I’ll call ABC and Teri’s agent.
Tiger: Wait a minute, why do you get to call ABC and Teri’s agent, and why does Vijay call Rob?
Finchem: Because, Mr. Control Freak, I think Teri’s pretty hot and I know the ABC guys a little – plus Vijay obviously knows Rob.
Tiger: And why does Vijay get to be in the last group for the spot?
Finchem: Ahhh, fine, Tiger, you can be in the last group with him. Assuming the question – Ernie and Retief will be in the next-to-last group. Phil, you’ll be playing with Mike Weir in the third-to-last group, and yes we can get cameos of all of you in the spot because there will be a huge back-up on the 18th tee for this spot.
Phil: Oh, sure, the token lefty pairing with Mike and I – that is so typical.
Tiger: Huge back-up on 18 tee? What are you talking about?
Finchem: For the spot, it’ll be a par 3 finishing hole.
Tiger: What?? That’s crazy – we’ve never had an Open finish on a par 3.
Ernie: Sure, we did – when I won on Congressional over Colin and Maggert in ’97, we finished on a par 3 over water.
Tiger: That was the last hole – I thought it was # 14?
Ernie: Maybe you’re not used to playing that early on Sunday?
Finchem: OK, that’s enough – everyone go out and make their calls and let’s get this spot set up. We’ve got just enough time to film it and get it in the rotation for Pinehurst. Oh, wait, NBC will hate it – scrap that, we’ll have it ready for the British so ABC/ESPN can run it all week. That buys us a few weeks. Listen – to make it look authentic we’ll have to do this on a British links course, so we’ll go to Oregon and film it at Bandon Dunes. I’ll make arrangements. I’m pumped – this is going to be a great spot and will add a ton of value. Nice job guys.
Mickelson: No problem, Tim, glad I could help.
Vijay: Hey, it was my idea to get Rob involved.
Ernie: Oh, Veej, go back to the range, will you – you’re getting cranky …