Lies, damn lies, and (PGA Tour Golf) statistics

Sportscenter - Day 1 at Augusta

Welcome to Sportscenter.  Hello again, folks, I’m Stuart Scott and joining me for the show is Chris Berman.  Boomer – good to have you alongside – let’s get to the NBA playoff races in a minute.  First what can you say about Augusta on day 1?

Berman: That it was wet?  I’ve seen drier areas on a rain delay tarp at Fenway than on the fairways at the Masters today.  Yes, Stuart, the big 4 are in town and oh, yes, 89 players joined them and teed off today in pursuit of the elusive green jacket.  The start delayed by thunder and lightning for several hours as the patrons wait patiently for a Nicklaus or Tiger sighting.  An American Ryder Cupper that played in the last group with Phil last year is on top – Chris “I’m going to leave my” Dimarco playing well again at Augusta.  Stuart – you have some DiMarco highlights?

Scott: Maybe later, Boomer.  First, let’s give the fans what they want and get to Tiger.  He had what can only be called one of the best 2-over partial rounds in the history of Augusta.  Here on 13, Tiger with 195 left after a huge drive and has some tree trouble to contend with from the pine needles under the trees.  Tiger takes an aggressive play – stick it to the man, T – and laces a 6-iron under the trees that clears the water and gets to the back corner of the green.  That has to be one of the best approach shots from the pine needles ever hit on 13 – phenomenal.  Trouble for my guy T is that the pins on the right front so he’s got a bomb to make if he wants an eagle.  He lines it up and gives it a great run, just missing on the high side, but what’s this?”

Berman: It goes back, back, back, and yes, folks, Tiger “I can’t believe that putt after hitting it out of the” Woods just putted into the water!  You know, I played Pebble Beach at the AT&T and it takes some effort to putt one into the water.  I’ve got no game, a hat that restricts my back swing, a hangover, and a gut that rivals Stadler’s and I can keep my putts out of the water and make the pro-am cut at Pebble.  Come on, Tiger, what’s up with that?

Scott: Hey, get off my guy, Boomer.  You got no game and Sluman carried your carcass all week.  Besides, this isn’t about you, it’s Tiger grinding as only the 8-time major winner can.  He drops at the spot of the putt and hits a beauty to set up a 2-putt bogey to minimize the damage – Tiger’s wicked smart to realize you don’t have to play out of the hazard, instead you can replay the shot with a penalty stroke.  Pay attention all you aspiring Tigers out there – know the rules and you too can save shots. 

Berman: Save shots?  Stuart, he’s giving up 1 or 2 to the field by making 6 there.  You didn’t take any math at Carolina?  I thought that was required at Chapel Hill even for journalism majors?

Scott: Boomer, you are really into me tonight.  I’m about to open up a can of whup – sorry, this is a family program, back to Tiger.  Here he is on 14 trying to rebound from the 13th with a long birdie putt that … just … burns the edge.  Man, that may be the best 1st putt the 14th green has ever seen.

Berman: Yeah, right, except for the one Phil made on Sunday last year to carry him to victory against Ernie.  Stop with the Tiger hype – you’re killing me Stuart “F. Scott Fitzgerald”  The more interesting highlight on 14 is this one of Tiger tapping in his 2-incher with a side-saddle look, which of course the PGA banned years ago when Sam Snead used something similar.  We could go ... all ... the ... way ... to a rules violation, and the phone lines and web servers lit up as people wrote in with viewers indicating there should be 2-stroke penalty.  Needless to say the boys at CBS were looking on closely as

Scott: Tiger was absolved of anything.  Listen, that may be a 2-shot penalty if you’re Duval and have no game.  But if you’re Tiger and you’re grinding, there’s no way that’s a penalty.  Another bad break as Tiger has to discuss the topic with rules officials after the round – disrupting his routine even more than Mother Nature.  Meanwhile, back on the course Tiger regroups and birdies 15 with a tremendous drive – maybe the best ever seen to the left rough on 15 – and a wedge to 20 feet, followed by an easy 2-putt birdie – and he’s back – boo-yeah!  He finishes the front 9 at +2 and then the biggest crime of the century occurs at # 1 after Tiger makes the turn.  He kills a drive

Berman: Wait, let me guess, the best drive # 1 has ever seen – I’m seeing a theme here

Scott: Whatever – T then pulls out his sand wedge – Boomer, sand wedge on a 435-yard hole from 90.  Yeah, we learned ‘rithmetic at UNC – that’s  345 yard drive – boo-yeah!  You’d be hitting sand wedge for your 4th from out there – and Tiger absolutely stripes it.  He’s posing, staring it down, it’s right at the hole – he’s going to be in another Nike commercial after this goes in!  And then, folks, watch this –

Berman: Boom!  There it goes, right off the flagstick, and into the bunker!  Par’ll be a lot of work from there, Tiger.  And Eldrick very upset, nearly taking off Steve Williams’ head with the club toss.  You can hear Tiger, “Sorry Steve – no worries, I’ll play the New Zealand Open for you again this year.  Who’s your daddy, caddy?”

Scott: Oh, that’s cute Chris.  I’m telling you, some DA somewhere should file charges.  I’ve said for years that new technology is making flagsticks, not just courses, obsolete.  We’re going to have to wrap them with Styrofoam or something – Tiger’s so good he actually hits the pin when he aims at it – that is more than just a little unfair.

Berman: If he’s so good, maybe he should aim two feet to the right of the pin so that doesn’t happen?  Here’s Tiger’s bunker shot – tough one from a downhill lie – ooooh, and he semi-blades it to the back half of the green and takes two to get down from there, another bogey.  I’ve hit better bunker shots than that!

Scott: Sure, after leaving it in there a few times.  Without question, that bogey got inside Tiger’s head.  He’s thinking “man, I stuffed it on 1, should’ve made birdie as I get to this par-5 I can birdie in my sleep – instead I make bogey and now I’m 6 back and it’s early and I’m hot”

Berman: And sleep he does, right through his tee ball – waking up just in time to take one hand off the club and hit a nasty duck hook.  Boy, I hit ‘em better than that all week at Pebble.  But that has got to be one of the best 150-yard tee shots # 2 has ever seen – right, Stuart?

Scott: You mocking me? 

Berman: Me – never.  How would you know?  Speech communication majors don’t take acting classes at Carolina, do they?  This is what he gets for smacking his headcover Frank in the head in that commercial for having a beer with a love interest – hell hath no fury like a headcover scorned.  So here’s Tiger’s second from about 9 miles and he takes a mammoth cut at it trying to turn it around the corner.  Unfortunately, this ball does not listen nearly as well as the one in the commercials and ends up in the pine needles on the right.  Tiger now has the better part of 200 left for his third and puts a big old banana ball into the right bunker – birdie looking unlikely for El Tigre now.

Scott: But clearly what follows is one of the best up and downs # 2 has ever seen.  Tiger, grinding as only he can, pops it out to 25 and drains the putt – boo-yeah! – to stay at 3 over.  Tiger would then make par on # 3 to conclude his day at +2 through 12 holes.  So in spite of all the bad breaks – the putt into the water on # 13, burning the edge on 14, hitting the flag and into the bunker at #1 – Tiger finishes in great position.

Berman: Sure, great position if you don’t mind watching Vijay and Phil throw up 68 and 70 to be at -4 and -2, not to mention DiMarco at -5.  Remember, in the 3 Masters Tiger has won his first round score has been 70.  The last 2 years he has had 76 and 75 and not been in contention.  Tiger’s playing partners Darren “I can’t eat any more Clark bars or I’ll gain back my weight” had even-par 72 and Carlos “Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead” had 76 and will need something in the 60s tomorrow to keep his weekend hopes alive.

Scott: Man, you need a vacation Boomer – why do you have to throw all this negative energy at Tiger before he finishes round 1?

Berman: Negative energy – you want negative energy – how about DiMarco’s quote?  When asked about Tiger’s putt on 13 and the flag-to-bunker adventure on 1, DiMarco said “He’s had his share of breaks in his career.  That’s golf.”  Tiger’s not going to get a lot of sympathy from the guys in front or behind him these days.  So that’s enough Tiger highlights, here are some actual highlights from the leaders.  Yes, there were some players in red figures today at Augusta ...

Masters Preparation Meeting - April 1, 2005

Hootie Johnson: “Barkeep – another round for my friends and I – and put it on my tab.”

Bartender: “Mr. Johnson, are you sure – should I call a driver to get everyone home?”

Hootie: “A driver?  I’ve already got a designated driver – Martha Burke – gonna grab her by the ankles and wallop a sweet fade on # 1, then let her drive me home.  You want good ol’ Southern boy, I’ll eat all the grits you got”

Arnie: “Hootie – focus man – we’ve got a lot to discuss.”

Hootie: “What – oh, right – thanks, Arnold.  And thanks for the fine mess we’re in – we thought we were in good shape after your tournament had Vijay dueling Perry all tied up on the 18th.  Then we end up going to Sawgrass and leave it to old Finchem to give us Fred Funk’s career moment as he 3-jacks it on 17 then has to scramble to make par on 18 to defeat Donald, Lehman, and Verplank by 1.  When did the Players become the US Open’s southern division?”

Finchem: “Hey, pipe down, Hootie.  Barkeep – another round for my friends and I – and put it on my tab.  First, that was a tremendous approach to stay dry on 17 – we can forgive the 3-putt.  Second, 18 was a bear on Sunday and par was a good score.  Third, everyone should know all four of the top finishers – they’re Ryder Cuppers and good players.”

Hootie: “Yeah, but they’re not Tiger, Phil, Ernie and Vijay, now are they?  Look at last year’s Masters – all 4 right there in contention on the back 9.”

Jack Nicklaus: “Hootie – all due respect – but while Phil and Ernie were going after each other on the back 9, Tiger and Vijay were 11 and 9 shots back at the end of Sunday.”

Hootie: “Oh, come on, Jack – you take away those 3 doubles Tiger made and give him birdies on the par 5s on the weekend and he’s only 2 back.  Tiger’s never out of it – just ask him.  He can show up Sunday 10 shots back in 40th place and he’ll still tell you he’s got a shot.  And Vijay – just turn that 37 on the back 9 into 30 and Phil’s putt is for a playoff, not to win.  Let’s see him make that putt then.”

Palmer: “Hootie – Jack’s right – Tiger and Vijay were irrelevant on Sunday last year.  But maybe you had another point?”

Hootie: “Yes, thanks Arnold – and I won’t be forced to go there at the point of a bayonet.  Boy, I still love that line – how do you like me now, Martha!?  Right, sorry, so we’re here to talk about course setup.  Given Finchem’s Folly last week, how do we want to set the course up for this year’s Masters?  A couple of primary issues – the first cut, green speed, my inability to cope with erectile dysfunction”

Finchem: “I’ll take a pass on the last, but I believe you boys have the same goal we have – to identify the best players in the world over 4 days.  To do that, let the fairways run and let the first cut grow so that the rough’s a penalty.  Keep the greens at least at 12 on the stimp so they can’t put the ball above the hole – that’ll stop everyone from firing at every pin with reckless abandon.”

Arnold: “I’ve heard that little blue pill works well – not that I need it, being a newlywed and all.  Tim’s right – fast fairways, fast greens, and some rough to make things a little challenging for the guys.”

Hootie: “I guess the thing we’ve got to bet on is that our first cut won’t penalize players as much as the rough at Sawgrass – and that the wind won’t blow.  Good God, if the wind blows, shades of Shinnecock and Winged Foot.  They’ll have to pry the hose from my cold, dead fingers before we ever spray – excuse me “syringe” – the greens at Augusta National.  Man, that is good scotch – barkeep, can you set us up with another round and put it on Jack’s tab?”

Fred Ridley: “On behalf of the USGA, I object to that comment.  We had no choice at Shinnecock – you can’t let these guys just bomb it down there with 300 yard carries and have sand wedges in, even to elevated greens running at 13 on the stimp.  The course is defenseless.  Come on, Hootie, you were one of the first to argue for a rollback to a standard “Augusta ball.”

Nicklaus: “Um, that was me, I’ve got a quote from me about distance when people still thought you worked for Ripley’s Believe it or Not and Hootie was playing fullback at Carolina”

Ridley: “OK Jack – fine, but that’s not the point.  The point is with the carries these guys are hitting the ball, you can’t set the course up too tough – and everyone plays the same course.  What you’ve got to worry about is course setup being the big story – look at the US Open last year, Retief Goosen plays flawlessly and one-putts 11 of the greens at Shinnecock to beat Phil by 2 and all everyone wants to talk about is the greens.”

Hootie: “Hmm, good point, maybe.  I don’t care how we set it up – I just want the top 4 players in the mix like we had in 2002!”

Arnie: “Hootie, you sure that’s what you want?  Man, that thing was like a train wreck – Tiger plods along to a final-round 71 and still wins by 3 when Ernie and Vijay start throwing up bigger numbers on par 5s than I was making.  They were in more water than an SI swimsuit model that day – and Phil was in nothing but hot water after that 3-jack on 16.  For my money, I’ll take last year’s duel or even the ’03 Weir-Mattiace shoot out over ’02.”

Hootie: “Oh, sure, you will Arnold – but you don’t have to pay the bills around here now do you?  Remember our TV sponsor revenue has been curtailed the last couple of years so it’s all about eyeballs, and the Canada audience is worth just slightly more to me than the Mattiace extended family.  Sure, the Sunday 64 was nice and all, but like anyone was watching.  Barkeep – one more round – make mine a double – and put it on Mickelson’s champion dinner tab.  He’s so glad to win one, he won’t even notice.”

Palmer: “If I’m hearing everyone correctly, we like fast fairways, a nice lush first cut, and greens that are so fast you need bikini wax and a razor to cut ‘em”

Tom Watson: “Watch it – I got McCord fired for that line.”

Palmer: “You want some of this Tom – you want a piece of me?”

Hootie: “Tom, you scared the ghost out of me – I didn’t even see you there!  Don’t hang out there in the shadows lurking next time!”

Watson: “Sorry Hootie – Arnold, you’re all full of yourself since the new marriage.  Good for you – but some of us have our own underwear models at home and don’t need to throw our weight around all the time.  And yes, the little blue pills work great, but my point is let’s not disparage the greatness that is Augusta with some off-the-cuff comments about bikini wax and body bags, although there should be body bags over the green on 13 – nobody gets up and down from there.  I remember once in ’84”

Nicklaus: “Thanks for the trip down memory lane, Tom.  Are you done?  I think we’re in agreement here – anyone else got any comments?  And bartender, one more round, and put it on Arnold’s bill.”

Tiger Woods: “Well, I think we’ve still got a topic to talk about – or rather to sign off on.  Here’s my list of Sunday pin positions by hole.  Now that I’m playing some right-to-left shots and finally have control of my swing these should make for a nice back nine charge.”

Hootie: “What the heck is it with you Stanford guys!?  Stop sneaking up on us – and thanks for the pin positions Tiger.”

Nicklaus: “Wait a minute, what’s this all about?  He provides pin placements and you guys are just going to use them?”

Hootie: “Sorry, Jack, thought you knew.  After 2000 it was clear that Tiger was struggling with our greens.  In ’98 O’Meara wins and Tiger’s a non-story except for the fact that he’s a neighbor of Mark’s.  In ’99 Olazabal beat Norman and Tiger was again MIA – kinda like his dad over there in ‘Nam heh heh.  Then in 2000 Vijay beats Ernie by 1.  Clearly if we wanted Tiger to be relevant on Sunday and get our ratings up, we needed to be creative”

Nicklaus: “So you get your Sunday pin positions from him?”

Hootie: “Sure Jack – but we only use them if he’s within 3 on Sunday.  So obviously the last couple of years they’ve ended up in the round file.”

Tiger: “Watch it Hootie – I’ll slip one of Tom’s blue pills in your drink – 6 hours is a long time for a guy your age.”

Arnold: “I’ll take a blue pill in my drink!”

Nicklaus: “This guy’s chasing history, and you’re setting up pins for him?  That’s outrageous!  I’ve got 18 majors I earned, and he’s going to pad his stats with pre-built pins.  That’s crazy!”

Hootie: “Only to you Jack – it’s all about ratings.”

Vijay Singh: “So here are my pin positions – I play a fade so they’re a little different than Tiger’s.”

Hootie: “What the – hey, stop sneaking up on me, you guys.  Barkeep – another round, and put it on Jack’s bill.  Vijay – we’re not putting pins up for you.”

Vijay: “Why not – I’m # 1.  I know you’ve been doing this for Tiger for a while now – you get Fluff drunk and you can get a lot of great info from him on what really goes on to help Tiger out.  It’s not pretty.”

Hootie: “Well, Vijay, um, we don’t just do it for Tiger because he’s # 1”

Vijay: “Really Hootie – well, why else would you?  You want the longest, straightest hitter out there – I’m your guy.  You want a guy who already has a green jacket – I’m your guy.  Explain to me why Tiger gets to submit his pin requests.”

Hootie: “Vijay – barkeep, can I get this man a double of whatever he’s having – Veej, ya gotta keep up with us, you’re getting a late start.  Now, um, here’s the deal – we do this for Tiger – umm, because, well, you see”

Phil Knight: “You can tell them, Hootie, it’s OK.”

Hootie: “Oh, man, what are you doing here?  OK, OK, I’ll tell them.  So, you see, folks, it’s like this – when we gave up the TV revenue a few years back we had to consider alternative revenue streams, so we actually have an arrangement with Nike where we give them promotional space in return for some economic considerations.”

Watson: “So you take Nike’s money in exchange for commercials.  OK, I get it, so tell me how they get their value?”

Hootie: “Wow, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?  Well, to be perfectly candid, we guarantee a certain percentage of coverage is for Nike products.”

Nicklaus: “Clubs, balls, bags?  What are you covering?”

Hootie: “Generally clothing is a big piece – clubs as well.”

Watson: “Wait a minute, so this is how you justify all that TV coverage of Tiger – through this side deal with Nike?  This allows you to show Tiger when he’s 8 strokes back on 18 for 5 minutes straight while he walks up the fairway tied for 40th and then we get tape-delayed shots of the leaders playing Amen corner?  This is crazy – we’ve got to put a stop to this!”

Hootie: “Tom, put a cork in it.  I run the show around here.  Someone – throw Tom out.”

Gary McCord: “I’ve got him.”

Watson: “What the – put me down!”

McCord: “Shut up – eat some pavement you little Stanford punk.  And stay off the senior tour, or I’ll come after you with a utility wood!”

Hootie: “Would everyone just stop sneaking around?!  How’d you get in here McCord?”

McCord: “I stole Feherty’s “Complete Access” grounds pass for the night – he’s a cheap date, couple of drinks and he’s passed out on the 8th green, so I just grabbed his pass.  I knew you guys were up to no good, but boy do I have some stuff for Feherty for this year’s telecast.”

Hootie: “You’ve got nothing!  There’s no written document or paper trail you’ll ever find.  We’re too smart for that!  Boys – grab him – you know what to do with him, and make it look like an accident.  Now where were we ….