Lies, damn lies, and (PGA Tour Golf) statistics

Michelle Wie – contents under pressure – do not open until 2008!

(Editor's note - for an overview of our cast of characters, click here)

Rick: What a performance by David Toms – throws up a little 14-under on the weekend to run away and hide. He gets in the win column early this year at the Sony. Reminds me of the weekend he spent at La Costa firing darts against DiMarco for about 27 holes. Poor Chad Campbell probably felt like picking up a boogey board at the turn.

Tucker: Boogey board – what, like he’s gonna skip the back side and give up all the cold hard cash so he can go catch some waves?

Rick: No, genius, so he could at least ride in comfort as he got left in Tom’s wake. We better get you something to drink – that was actually a pretty simple one. The big news was Toms but as always some nice secondary plot lines on the PGA tour.

Walt: Secondary plot lines – are you moonlighting as a screenwriter for Curb Your Enthusiasm?

Rick: No, but this stuff’s so funny I should give that some thought. First, nice start to the year for Sabbatini – shaking off the slow play fiasco at Congressional last year to finish 2^nd with a little Sunday 62. If he never sees Ben Crane in his group again, it’s too soon.

Tucker: You know, if I were Rory, I wouldn’t mess around with Ben Crane. I checked out Rosaforte’s article on him and he’s a very active Christian. Let’s just ignore that whole “no work on the sabbath” thing for a minute – hey, tough to collect any checks on Sunday with a 54-hole total. You pull that little “walk to the next hole” stunt out and the big man opens up a little can of whup ass on you with a lightning bolt.

Billy: Hey, that kind of stuff might just make Retief Goosen a little more low-key but for the rest of us there would be long-term consequences. Rumor has it Lee Trevino actually got funnier after getting hit by lightning – of course his famous “not even God can hit a 1-iron” line was rolled out before the incident. You’re right – Rory should stop ticking off Ben Crane. Of course, Crane could also play a little faster. His pre-shot routine is almost better than a commercial break - I can heat up some nachos and finish off half a beer while he lines up a putt.  I caught a great article on slow play on the PGA Tour – Fulton Allem actually pulled an all-timer. After playing with Bob Estes for an entire round, he wrote on Estes’ scorecard “you are too slow.” We need more guys like Fulty to keep the boys honest. Slow play is going to be the death of this great sport.

Rick: Yeah, and useless banter without a point is going to be the death of this column. What I liked at the Sony was coverage of Bubba Watson – now that boy can get up there and hit it. It’s not like Rory and Charles Warren are short hitters and he was blowing it past them every hole. He had Vijay looking back from the green to see where he was hitting it and he had his playing partners walking over to Rymer and commenting on his length. Come on, you ever see Charlie Rymer after two weeks in  Hawaii in tough weather with an open tab on Saturday. On Sunday he’s sweating more tequila out than a fraternity party after happy hour at Chevy’s. The players have got to know that – well, Warren may be a rookie but Rory should know better. They would only be going anywhere near Rymer to talk about something if it were truly extraordinary, particularly with the frequent wind changes in Hawaii, you’re never really upwind for long – so I’m thinking this kid Bubba’s got some serious length. Bubba even went so far as to say, as reported by that bastion of journalism ESPN, that if he tees it up with anyone and hits his best one, he’ll be the longest. I’m not disagreeing – he had 150 in on # 18 – yeah, that 550 yard 5-par, thanks for asking – and hit a knock-down wedge to 8 feet then converted the 8-footer for eagle to get to finish solo 4^th. We’ll be hearing from him again.

Walt: The wedge on 18 was good but how about driver-5 iron on # 9. Rory smoked one and was hitting 3-wood in. Yikes! And on # 17 – 9-iron from 190 – upwind, downwind, or passing wind, that’s some heat. I think it’s good to see David Duval back from MIA status and getting some of his mojo back with a little 63 on Sunday. He said all week he was close to putting something together and we all thought he meant a Dagwood sandwich after the round – guess he was closer to right than we all thought.  

Billy: Forget about that – how about that little 68 Michelle Wie threw at the boys on Friday – how good was that? Seven birdies on a PGA Tour course playing from the tips – and it was windy – and she’s 16! Man, if I weren’t married, she would be mine!

Walt: Yeah, and you base that conclusion on what – your swinging bachelor pad with that 70s style waterbed, your ’95 BMW 3-series convertible, or your current definition of fashionable attire which includes any shirt without a permanent stain and any pants that were pressed at least once in the past 45 days? Not to mention that hair – that would make my hat too scared to even try and cover it!

Billy: Blah blah blah – so anyway I just love to see the way Michelle responded to the pressure. She could’ve just mailed it in on Friday, but she stepped up, brought the A game, played every hole one shot at a time, and stayed focused on the task at hand. She finally made some putts – the future looks bright, my friends! And I’m not just talking about that hot looking all-black outfit with the pink belt – she will not be confused with Gary Player anytime soon! 

Walt: Nice job – that’s 5 cliches in about 8 seconds – that probably matches most professional athlete interviews. Now about that future looking so bright, and of course we’re so surprised you saw Sony as a positive. Not to throw a cold towel on your little Michelle fever, but you gotta be kidding me if you’re thinking that Friday’s 68 was a clutch performance of any sort. I think there’s a disturbing trend of Michelle actually responding negatively to any sort of pressure, and the stronger the pressure the worse her reaction.

Billy: You speak with forked tongue, devil boy, and speaking of whup ass and lightning, I’m just going to back away from the table because you start speaking ill of Michelle and the big man could just strike you down at any time.

Walt: And why is that?

Billy: Did you sleep through the entire Greek mythology class in under-grad? Nike is the goddess of victory and Michelle’s sporting the swoosh since she turned pro. You know how the Gods are – they look out for each other – one of them hears you popping off about her and you’ll end up looking like the bottom of a used Red Wing boot and I don’t want to have to put you in my car after it happens – just got it detailed last week.

Walt: Well, thanks for your support and concern – but I’ll take my chances. Now back to my point. Let’s look at the last couple of times Michelle has felt pressure of any sort and look at her reaction. First, let’s look at Friday’s 68 – fair to call it a reasonably impressive performance, but also fair to note that it came after a Thursday 79 that put her in next to last place and removed almost any shot she had of making the cut. When the pressure was on – on Thursday – Michelle laid about as large an egg as could be laid. Three doubles and a 42 on the back 9 and a 79 – sure, conditions were tough but everyone was watching and everyone had been told by the media “this could be the year – Michelle might make the cut!” Now many of you will make excuses – she’s 16, she’s still learning, she’s got a great swing and had a bad day, it was windy, yadda yadda yadda – but the truth is she’s a professional and she is having a hard time handling the pressure of rising expectations. When the pressure was all gone on Friday, then she can find the 68. That only makes the first round that much more of a problem.

Two years ago she was 14 and there was curiousity and almost no expectations. Michelle shot 72-68 and missed the cut by a stroke. Since then it’s been more challenging – missing the cut the both years with higher scores. Blip or trend, you ask, and thanks for asking. Well let’s look at her other tournaments against the guys – at the Casio in Japan she was in position to make the cut and then bogeyed the last two holes to miss the cut by 1. She also missed the cut at the John Deere by one last year and rumor has it she’ll try at both events again. So after all the hype and all the SportsCenter coverage, we have yet to see Michelle stick around for the weekend at a men’s pro tourney.

It’s not just the guy’s events either. She doesn’t play many amateur events, but it’s not like she’s kicking the girls around when she did play. In 2003, she lost in the first round of match play to Maru Martinez – Maru Who you ask – fair question, she made the quarters at the 2005 amateur but clearly the win over Michelle is still her 15 minutes of fame. In 2004 she at least lasted a round before going out in the 2^nd to In Bee Park – yeah, sounds like an insect farm but she’s got some game, as she proved on that day.

So her record in men’s events and amateur events – fairly spotty, and the bigger the spotlight the spottier it gets.

Billy: Yeah, well how about the LPGA tour? She finished 2^nd to Annika at the LPGA Championship, then lead after 3 rounds of the US Women’s Open. 

Walt: Decent performances, yes, but let’s not forget Annika won by 3 at the LPGA and Michelle ballooned to an 82 in the final round of the Open at Cherry Hills. Then in her first official pro event Michelle gets DQed after that silly little drop situation – whoops! Everyone watching – I’ll just execute an improper drop and hope nobody notices. Now, just for comparison sake, let’s take a look at Tiger, who seemed to thrive on pressure as the public spotlight got brighter. Three straight US Junior Amateurs, three straight US Amateurs – no first or second-round exits, some stirring comebacks – Tiger’s got it all over Michelle at the amateur level. Then Tiger turns pro, wins two tourneys in a few months in 2006 to make the Tour Championship, and in his first professional major Tiger laps the field with that record-breaking 18-under at Augusta – knowing that everyone was watching, Tiger put up one of those performances for the ages that he’s been known to find. Who at the table thinks Michelle will do anything close to that in her first pro major on the LPGA side? Yeah, just like I thought, hands moving slower than when the collection basket gets passed around on Sunday – Tucker with a wicked case of alligator arms suddenly.

Tucker: Oh, sure, go ahead and call me out. I’m not as bad as some of the boys in front of me that make change for a $20 in the collection basket. Glad to see you finally coming around to Tiger’s domination.

Walt: Nothing to do with domination – topic for another day – but it does show that the brighter the spotlight got the better Tiger performed. Compare that with Michelle and you just have to ask if and when she’ll ever be ready to try and carry any tour. I’m saying that until further notice the more pressure-filled the situation the more challenging it will be for Michelle to bring anything close to her “A” game.

Billy: Hey, she’s 16 – we don’t even know what her A game looks like yet, let alone how often she’ll be able to find it.

Walt: Exactly my point – and thus the media will screw over another “next” athlete by over-exposing them early. Damn near killed Justin Rose’s career after that T-4 in the Open and then 21 straight missed cuts. He pulled out of it and now look at him. Sean O’Hair – they just kept sticking microphones in front of him trying to crack him – he’s too tough. Here’s another factor – Michelle’s going to get about 7-10 cracks at the girls the next couple of years – at every level it’s insanely hard for anyone not named Bruce Leitzke to actually make a meaningful impact on any tour.

Billy: Yeah, well what would you do if you’re a TV executive – pump up Michelle or try the rest of the field?

Walt: Gee, I don’t know – Annika wins 10 events and starts to chase history and the record books and logs top 10s with the frequency most players try and make cuts, Paula Craemer emerges as a solid # 2 in the world with 3 wins in her rookie year and a stirring Solheim Cup performance, and Kristie Kerr, Jennifer Rosales, Julie Inskter, and loads of others make the LPGA a great tour for viewers. We all saw what happened to viewership after Tiger’s ’97 Masters runaway – things went to three types of tourneys – those Tiger’s in and contending in, those he’s in and nowhere near contention, and all others. I’m just saying I wouldn’t be giving Michelle the Tiger treatment any time soon.

Billy: Yeah, well that’s why you’re here and the boys and girls at tour HQ get paid the big bucks to make those kinds of calls.

Walt: Totally agree with that – hey, I like my day job. I will say this – to anyone who’s watching, until Michelle proves that she can handle Sunday pressure on the LPGA or Thursday/Friday pressure against the boys, she should be left as part of the pack until she elevates her game to at least Morgan Pressel’s level, if not Annika and Paula’s. You never know – left alone for a bit, she may actually figure out which switch she’s got to flip to find the game to handle the pressure.  

Billy: You gotta be kidding me – you’ve got Michelle Wie in your tournament and you’re not supposed to make a big deal of that. You’ve got Michelle Wie making double with a sand-to-sand adventure and that’s not the lead story. You’ve got her 3-jacking from 10 feet and that’s not supposed to make the highlight reel. You are freaking drunk, and I don’t know if I can listen to this anymore.

Walt: You're kidding me, of course you can listen since I’m buying the next round.

Rick: He’s got you there – you’ve never left an open round uncovered.

Billy: That's not true, there was that one time in Cabo

Rick: No, that was your round but you lost your wallet in the men's room so we all chipped in.

Billy: Ah, right, never did get that wallet back.

Walt: So let’s recap – Tiger at the amateur level earned 6 straight Jr and Amateur titles, then went pro and turned two wins into a Tour Championship spot, then went out and lapped the field at Augusta, making it his own personal “Hello World” major. Michelle loses in the 1^st and 2^nd round on the amateur side, hasn’t won an LPGA event yet and had a complete meltdown at the Open, and has turned near-misses on guy’s tours into hideous 42-front, 79-overall scores at the Sony. Every time the pressure cranks up, she goes away.

Rick: You make a convincing case but if I have to listen to any more of this, the pressure on my bladder’s going to crank up to abnormally high levels. I’m off to the little boy’s room, you kids just work this out before I get back so we can talk about how well I played in kicking you all over the lot today ...

If you care about the facts, start here!

It's so easy to just throw out the occasional one-liner to initiate a 19th hole discussion (Has Tiger ever missed a putt that he had to have?  Does anyone have a better short game than Lefty?)  Plus it beats the alternative - if you really wanted to know how your buddies were doing, you'd email them, not invite them out for a round of golf.  I'm all for getting good conversation started, but on the off chance that you may actually want some facts to use in the argument - er, discussion - here are some good places to start

World Golf Ranking

Trying to figure out how many guys Luke Donald jumped past the last 2 years? Curious to know how big Tiger’s current lead over Vijay and Phil are relative to the magical season of 2000? Wondering where Sergio falls in the World top 10? Here’s the page for you … (note the “Archive <Year>” pull-down at the top which allows for easy viewing by year)

http://www.officialworldgolfranking.com/archive/archive.sps?iType=1747&icustompageid=8996

PGA Tour Stats page

Who drove it farther and straighter, who hit more greens, and made more putts than anyone else on tour? Make up some stories or actually see what the facts tell you on the PGA Tour Stats page …

http://pgatour.com/stats/r

TV and Magazine sites worth reading

The Golf Channel - http://www.thegolfchannel.com/  (can't get the subscription because your wife would throw you out - no problem, keep up with all things TGC on the website)

Golf Digest – http://www.golfdigest.com/

Golf Magazine – http://www.golfonline.com/golfonline/

Golf News and Commentary Pages

ESPN Golf Page - http://sports.espn.go.com/golf/index?&lpos=globalnav&lid=gn_Golf_Golf  

SI Golf Page - http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/golf/

David Feherty – forget Howard Stern, with his CBS TV gig, books that make Dan Jenkins seem so old school, monthly musings in Golf Magazine, and this great archive page, Feherty is the king of all media!

http://www.golfonline.com/golfonline/features/feherty/list/0,17578,485076,00.html

Bob Harig - http://search.espn.go.com/keyword/search?searchString=bob_harig

Chris Lewis - http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/writers/chris_lewis/archive/index.html

Rick Arnett - http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/writers/rick_arnett/archive/index.html

Gary Van Sickle - http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/writers/gary_van_sickle/archive/index.html

Mike McAllister – Golf Power Rankings (note the Weekly Rankings links at the bottom of the page, which allow you to quickly browse through Mike’s GPRs for the year) -

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2005/writers/mike_mcallister/11/08/power.rankings43/index.html

Golfer of the year for 2005 is ...

(For a quick review of our cast of characters at the 19^th hole, see The Regulars post)

Tucker: Hey, 3-jack, nice lag on 18, 1 up for the bad guys. First round’s on me. Couple more putts like that and we’ll have either get you a new nickname … or just start using it for your drink order. Bartender, we’ll take 3 jack and cokes, 1 Sam Adams, 1 Corona with a lime, and 1 Guinness.

Rick: Good to finally get over on you punks – you had us the last 3 in a row. We were about ready to suggest new teams if you’d won today. 

Walt: Did you boys check out Sorenstam’s performance at the ADT? Impressive stuff – pulling away from one of the best fields of the year and defending her win at the season-ending tourney. No question about it – she had the best season this year of any golfer on any tour. Hey Tucker – did you get a bowl of soup with that shirt? Geez, that thing’s bright enough to stop a truck, or at least an SUV.

Tucker: Yeah, coming from the prince of fashion, I’ll just let that go. Annika had a nice year, but let’s not forget that guy named Tiger over on the PGA tour. Last I checked, Annika’s still playing from the front tees AND Tiger doesn’t play in any of her events, so it’s hard to count them as official. Hey Bomber, pass over some of those mixed nuts – just because you won on the course doesn’t mean you get all the snacks.

Billy: No problem head case, what else would I call you after forgetting Michelle Wie wasn’t even at this tournament – you’d think they’d find a way to get her in this one. If they can change the rules for majors to let her in, what’s the matter with just letting her in this one? Crikey – you American blokes are so uptight with the rules.

Walt: Oh, now there you go again Mr. Aussie Rules – hey, who was watching me like a hawk when I had to take a drop for that unplayable on 13. You were breathing down my neck so hard I thought my wife was somewhere on the course. As for those allegedly tough rules, it’s tough to be a top 30 money winner when you’re still an amateur and not collecting prize money – Michelle will have her shot next year now that she’s turned pro. I won’t even comment on that silly front tee snipe. I do hear that an argument is being made that Tiger is the golfer of the year for 2005? OK, let’s check some of the stats.

Rick: Yikes – let me get a drink first, they said no math – particularly after I tried to add up the scores on 13, with or without that unplayable. Second, someone breathing hard on you should remind you of your kids after they climb in bed with you – I know your wife, and now that she’s gotten the children, your usefulness in bed is strictly as a pillow for the kids to sleep on.

Billy: You’re telling me – very tough par-6 that 13^th hole. I’m not sure what all the fuss is about player of the year – Annika and Tiger were both at the Skins Game and Fred Funk won it wearing a skirt, so he’s your guy for this year.

Rick: Yeah, there you go, we’ll let an 18-hole 2-day 4-person tournament determine player of the year. Much as ABC would love to see it, let’s not ignore the rest of the tournaments for the year.

Walt: Settle down boys – I’ve got this cool little new laptop with wireless access, all the math’s done for us. As always, we’ll look at a couple of key stats – number of wins and quality of wins always seem to be a good place to start.  First, let’s look at the number of wins – Tiger had 6 wins, and Annika had 10 wins this season. Hmm, that looks like advantage Annika.

Tucker: Yeah, but let’s check the starts, Tiger probably played in way fewer events than Annika.

Walt: Bzzzt, thanks for playing, good guess but no soup for you. That argument may work with Vijay and the money title, but Tiger actually played in 21 events and Annika played in 20. For you math-challenged sports fans that means Annika played in one fewer events. So one less start and four more wins – this may turn into two for Annika with you supporting Tiger’s cause.  Any other arguments you want to throw out there?

Tucker:  Hmm, think I’ll pass. Let’s switch gears then to the quality of wins. First, let’s look at the majors. Tiger won two this year, including Augusta and the British, and should’ve won the other two.

Walt: Coulda, shoulda, woulda, that’s quality argument material, my friend, but it just doesn’t hold up again. Annika won the first two majors of the year and had a tie for 5^th and tie for 23^rd in the other two. So they won the same number of majors.

Tucker: Yeah, but Tiger won at Augusta with that awesome chip-in at 16 to force the playoff, then made that clutch birdie putt on 18 to beat DiMarco. Then Michael Campbell stole the US Open at Pinehurst before Tiger lapped the field at St. Andrews. Finally Phil stole the PGA from him with that great up-and-down at 18.

Walt: You conveniently forget about Tiger’s bogey-bogey finish in regulation and DiMarco’s narrow misses on chip-in attempts at 18 in regulation and the playoff at the Masters. Not sure how Michael stole anything at the US Open – he won by two even with a bogey on 18, it was Tiger’s bogeys on 16 and 17 that left the door wide open. And tell me again how Phil stole anything from Tiger at the PGA when Elkington and Bjorn finished ahead of him as well. Even if Phil doesn’t get up and down, Tiger’s not winning that tournament, unless we start giving out trophies for T-4^th? Meanwhile, let’s talk about quality wins and performances. Tiger missed 2 cuts this year and finished outside the top 25 four times. Annika did not miss any cuts and her lowest finish was T-23^rd. She only finished outside the top 10 five times – Tiger had eight of those.

Billy: You boys done with this one, yet, I’d like to get something to eat. Hi Suzy, can I get a turkey club with no mayo?

Rick: Fish and chips here.

Walt: Chicken ceasar, dressing on the side, thanks.

Tucker: Bacon cheeseburger with fries please.

Walt: And in fact, I’m not done with this one yet. Maybe Tiger should win more majors like Annika – the Kraft by 8 strokes and the LPGA Championship by 3. It’s hard for anyone to “steal” anything from you when you’ve built that big a lead.

Tucker: Yeah, well Tiger used to win them by that much, but then the other guys finally got tired of getting kicked around like your dog after a 9er game and started bringing the A game … at least once in a while.

Walt:  Thanks for staying on point. Where were we? OK, so Annika’s got more wins in fewer tournaments – one for me. And Annika’s got higher quality finishes and wins, along with no missed cuts – two for me. You want to give up now or keep on trying – these other guys may have somewhere else they’ve got to be?

Rick: No way, I haven’t even eaten yet.

Billy: Me either – plus this is getting mildly entertaining, although you’re putting up about as much defense as Kobe plays these days. He hasn’t met a shot he doesn’t like, and he’s making just about 2 out of every 5. Nice stats if you’re playing shortstop, not so great if you’re a 2-guard. Man I’d trade him for Steve Nash straight up.

Walt: Right, like the Suns would touch that trade – you’d have to throw in Lamar and some cash to make that even close to working.

Rick: Would you two stop bickering?

Tucker: This isn’t bickering, this is aspirational to bickering – so far I’m just getting hammered like my poor Pats’ D this year. It’s OK though, Brady’s young – we’ll be back. Last argument – let’s look at the stats for the year. Tiger’s gotta have her on that one.

Walt:  Ooooh, didn’t think you’d go there, I actually researched that last night in anticipation of our little, ahem, discussion. This one converts it from a runaway to me opening up a big old can of whup ass on you for a couple of weeks. Bad enough to suggest Tiger had a better year – wins and quality wins were convincing, but this is overwhelming. Let’s start with driving – Tiger’s new equipment helped him it longer alright, 2^nd in overall distance, but it also helped him it a bit more crooked, 188^th in fairways hit and 83^rd in total driving. Ouch, sounds like T’s going to get his license revoked – he may need to go to driver’s training, or whatever Hank Haney calls those lessons. Oh, and Annika, you ask, and thank you so much for asking – 4^th in distance and 12^th in fairways hit – no 3-point turns required here. Any other stats you want to check up on?

Tucker: How about greens in regulation?

Walt: Better, but not good enough. 70% for Tiger – 6^th on tour – respectable but not nearly as good as Annika’s 77%, which of course was 1^st on tour. Any others?

Billy: Whoa, whoa, this is my throwing in the white towel. Tucker – you are getting worked like Duke against the Sisters of the Poor, or whoever those non-conference hoops opponents they whoop up on are – it’s over, TKO and we’re outta here.

Walt: Hang on, let’s recap. Annika – more wins in fewer events, more quality wins, no missed cuts, and better stats. Tell me again why anyone would vote for Tiger.

Rick: Well, if you look at 2005 compared to 2004, he had a much better year.

Walt: Ah, the last refuge of the desperate, let’s change the rules. We’re not talking about Comeback Player of the Year, we’re talking about Player of the Year. All in favor of Annika – say aye. Ah, it’s unanimous – that’s more like it. Now pass me the ketchup, I’m taking some of Tucker’s fries after that weak effort …

Our cast of characters (aka The Regulars)

Here is a quick overview of the "regulars" at the 19th hole - no topic is out of bounds, and facts in some cases are entirely optional, but they usually put up a mildly entertaining discussion ...

Rick Coleman (aka The Bomber) – all is right with the world when the Steelers are in first place in the NFC Central, or whatever division the NFL happens to re-align them into to fit their little “expansion tendency” (Rick’s a little old-fashioned – he’s got a hard time dealing with the fact that they play the Cleveland Browns 4 times a year – the whole Baltimore Ravens thing never quite worked for him). Unclear on whether or not the Pirates became a Triple A club after they got rid of Bonds, Bonilla and Van Slyke – the crowds near Three Rivers throughout the summer cause only confusion since there can’t be that many concerts in Pittsburgh – can there? Still able to hit it 270 with frightening ease, and still able to find most of them. Then the hard work begins – anything inside 100 yards involving a club with a “wedge” in the title is like a rookie at the craps table – could end up tremendously happy or very disappointed with little understanding of what caused the difference. Plays to a 14, but happily plays against 8s and 10s straight up and is only too happy to buy drinks afterward so he can announce to anyone who will listen “if my buddy Angelo’s an 8 and doesn’t want to give me strokes – well, OK, but he’s gotta live with himself – hahahahahaha!” Huge fan of most bombers, including John Daly, Vijay Singh, Laura Davies and yes, even Hank Kuehne. Willing to point out to anyone that Tiger’s not a bomber because he hits 3-wood at least twice a round off the tee and his short game is too good to follow in the long line of bombers that started with Jones and goes through Snead and Nicklaus – don’t get him started.

Tucker Fitch (aka Mr. Head Case) – a huge fan of all things Boston, particularly the Red Sox and Patriots. Still believes Larry Bird should be coaching the Celtics and cursed the return of the NHL because the Bruins would have to be watched again. Has an instant messenger ID that is juvenile enough to include a reference to a Red Sox World Series being won in his lifetime – still unsure if he should change it after the 2004 Series win over the Cardinals. Unsure if there are PGA tour golfers named something other than Tiger Woods or those two northeastern products Billy Andrade and Brad Faxon. Currently a 20-handicap, but plays like a 25 when there’s money on the line, and like a 30 if there’s a putt of any significance to it.  When not home with his wife and 4-year old son can be found at work selling custom magazines for a large home magazine publisher. Don’t even ask him about drafting Terrell Owens with the first pick in his 2005 Fantasy Football League – the last person to try humor with that one hasn’t been seen since.

Walt Feinstein (aka The Wizard) – no relation to John Feinstein (no matter how convoluted a tale he offers), but a huge fan. Sadly these days a fan of most bay area sports teams – confident that Mike Nolan is the right guy to get the 9ers turned back around in the right direction (imagine a grown man with voodoo dolls of John York and Terry Donahue), Mike Montgomery and Chris Mullin are the perfect duo to put the Warriors back into the playoffs, and the Sharks are the NHL’s version of the “Moneyball” Oakland A’s. Glees openly at the Eagles fiasco created by Terrell Owens (aka “locker room cancer”) and at Randy Moss’ inability to turn the Raiders back into a playoff contender (thanks God often – some would say too often – for Tampa stealing Gruden away – like I said, a fan of most bay area teams). Received a San Jose Sabercats Jersey as a gift, but refuses to wear it, saying real football is played outdoors on a full field (don’t remind him that the 9ers have a great Super Bowl record in domes). Currently playing to a 19, but only too happy to report that he was “a 12 before the 4 kids showed up – that’s almost 2 strokes a kid, and my wife’s ready for more!” Hits it about 260 off the tee – downhill, with the wind, with lots of roll in July – other than that he hits it about 220. Played with the same sticks for almost 12 years, but has upgraded every club in the bag in the last 5 years (some more than once) in his quest for distance and forgiveness as the (ahem) finely tuned swing of his youth gives way to a lunging nearing-40-year-old hack that resembles Vijay Amritaj (Indian Davis Cup player if you didn’t already know) than Vijay Singh. Still believes David Duval has one more major in him, strenuously objects to the media’s willingness to hail Tiger as the Boy King and put him on a pedestal the minute he turned pro, and finds it more than a little ironic that the same media that cover Tiger as if nobody else mattered seems willing to overlook Annika’s accomplishments (which, he will point out in mind-numbing detail, are actually much more impressive than Tiger’s, particularly lately) and already begin the “Hail Michelle Wie” treatment. Fun to play with most of the year, but can be particularly challenging those weeks after a Tiger win – particularly those that come by large margins or in majors. Wild rumors abound that he actually authors a blog about golf and media coverage – he completely and utterly denies any knowledge of this activity with such fervor that the others are beginning to look into the rumor mill and see if there’s any substance at all to them … nothing yet. 

Billy Despars (aka “3-jack”) – yes, a simple and multi-purpose nickname. Normally, a quality lag putter, a bit of the yips kicks in on the back 9 and during one particularly notable 3-match stretch he 3-putted from 19, 16, and, yes, 8 feet on the 18^th hole to lose all 3 matches 1 down. The third effort of the third match (which, sadly was from 15 feet after the putter just exploded out of his hands) was so weak none of the others in the foursome could watch. Originally born in Sydney, Australia, he moved at 8 and became a SoCal boy. His sporting allegiances run towards the Raiders (the version that played in the Coliseum, as he’s quick to clarify – of course he’s really a rugby fan), Dodgers (but, as much as it pains him, the Angels are fun to watch with Vlad in the lineup – and baseball’s a warm-up act for the real ball sport of cricket), and the Lakers (but, boy, Dunleavy’s got those Clippers playing well). In short, a man of no intestinal fortitude with absolutely no loyalty – a perfect fourth to this barbershop quartet. When not out selling high-speed internet equipment (“someone’s gotta make your porn load faster – I’m your guy”), he coaches his daughter’s soccer and softball teams with Walt (the devil you know is always easier to coach with than the devil you don’t …) and spends time with his wife and 3 kids watching Disney movies on DVD and playing board games for the under-12 set (“finally – something I can win at!”) Currently sporting a 17 handicap, but quick to point out the real handicap is his backswing. Oh, yes, the other use of that nickname – “3 jack and cokes” – his standard post-round fare. These days, with DUI laws being what they are, a ride home is usually required, and one of the other 3 is only too happy to oblige since Billy is, without question, the funniest of the four, and even funnier during the first two drinks. After that, well, it’s best to get him to a car before that third one hits the counter empty. This explains his undying support of Fuzzy Zoeller, John Daly, John Jacobs (that guy on the Senior tour that won that really wild duel with McCord a few years back), Sam Torrance (that hard-drinking Ryder Cup captain) and anyone else that can toss back a few and still play some great golf. Can’t understand why the media is still spending any time on Annika now that Michelle’s “Hello World” speech is done and she’s a pro (“If she weren’t a minor … and I weren’t married …”)

Finally – a new piece of golf equipment designed to make golf balls go less far!

(Editor’s note – the following fictional press release is for a product that, as of this writing, does not exist – but stay tuned, you never know …)

Hi, I’m Henry Paris, the CEO of Sticky Wicket.  For those of you that missed it, here’s the content from today’s press release.  I’ll give you a few minutes to read it and then take some questions.  We’re excited about today’s new product, as well as our new funding, and expect to develop some really revolutionary products moving forward. 

PRESS RELEASE

Finally – a new piece of golf equipment designed to make golf balls go less far!

Carlsbad, CA, November 18, 2005

Sticky Wicket, Inc. today announces the release of it’s first commercial product, the “Sticky Soft Flagstick.”  The Sticky Soft Flagstick is intended to help golfers all over the world score better by making it easier for them to aim right at the flag without worrying about bad bounces.  Sticky Soft Flagsticks are padded with a proprietary invention that helps reduce golf ball spin and minimize the distance a ball travels after striking one.  In 98% of the cases, our lab tests confirm that a ball that strikes a Sticky Soft will not roll more than 8 yards.  Sticky Softs will be available for general purchase by any golf course starting today, and we have a nationwide sales force and telemarketing effort in place now in anticipation of significant demand from any course that wants to serve lower handicap and frequent golfers. 

Our sales efforts will focus on building a sales channel targeting private and high-end public golf courses, and a print and TV campaign begins tomorrow that will drive widespread awareness of the product and allow golfers that want Sticky Softs at their course to call 1-800-GET-STICKY and let us know where they play regularly so our sales force can contact the course and find out when they can “Get Sticky” at their course. 

END OF RELEASE

So, any questions.  Yes, you in the back?

Reporter: Yes, can you tell us how much the Sticky Soft flagsticks will cost?

Henry: They are available at a suggested retail price of $300 each, or $5,400 for an entire set.

Reporter: Wow – competitive flags are available for $20 from numerous manufacturers like

Henry: Whoa, easy there big fella, this is my press conference – no need to mention competitors.  We’re confident that our price point will be well accepted by the marketplace when they get a chance to see the quality of our product and it’s impact on their members.  Yes, you in the tartan plaid – well, aren’t you hard to miss?

Reporter: Yes – thank you – so just to be clear, you have no problem bringing a product to market that is roughly 15x what comparable products cost and that many courses have plenty of already?  And a follow-up – what’s the big impact on their members?

Henry: Our crack market research team did hundreds of consumer surveys and there’s no question that the market for high-end courses to use these flagsticks is large and growing.  Again, we feel the value of our product more than justifies our products – particularly since they come with a lifetime replacement guarantee.

Reporter: For that price, they should practically service me if my approach shot lands within 15 yards of the hole.  I’ll give you Sticky Wicket – hahahahahaha.

Henry: Yes, well, thanks for that.  As I was saying, the big impact on members is the positive feelings members and guests will have when their shots hit the flagstick and roll off the green or worse.  We’ve all had that sinking feeling after hitting a brilliant shot – we’re posing and watching it in the air, only to have it clank off the flagstick and off the green.  That’s a bad experience, and we can eliminate it if everyone were to install Sticky Soft flagsticks today.  Yes, you with the Prada bag.

Reporter: Thank you for noticing – I just wondered what the inspiration was for this product?  There’s nothing like it in the marketplace yet – are you sure there’s a need?

Henry:  To be honest, we weren’t sure.  We’ve been developing the flagsticks for about 8 years and weren’t really sure what to do with them.  We’re primarily an R&D shop that Callaway Golf decided to spin off at the height of the dot-com boom, so obviously we’re only just now learning how to deliver products to market that consumers and golf courses need.  We think this is the first of many exciting products we can deliver.  The inspiration for the eventual release of the product came in the spring.

Reporter: Wait a minute, this was at the Buick at Torrey Pines, right?  Charles Howell III comes down to the last hole needing a birdie to tie, and an eagle to win, then slam dunks a wedge that amazingly bounces out of the cup and into the water.  Just like that, he goes from an eagle to a bogey and loses by 3.  That must’ve been the impetus.

Henry: Bzzzzzt – no, but thanks for playing – and I think most of Torrey Pines drives Cadillacs.  First of all, that was a problem with the cup, not the flagstick – we’ve got other products that we’ll announce next year that might fix problems like that.  Second, Tiger won the Buick – you try rolling out a product that might have put Tiger in a playoff and/or cost him a tournament – you may not like your job, sir, but I like mine.  Third, Charles may have nice clothes and an even temperament, but product spokesperson he’s not.  No, the tournament that drove our decision to roll this product out was the 2005 Masters.  Tiger hits the pin on # 1 after a great drive and the ball caroms right into a bunker – completely unfair, and Tiger makes bogey.  Now there’s something you can build a marketing campaign around. 

Reporter: Got it, so Augusta was the driving force.  Now, back to your previous point, I’m guessing that I, like a bunch of folks in this room, have never hit a flagstick in our life, except that one I broke with my wedge on 13 after my chip lipped out – oh, and there was that one my caddy dropped our bag on accidentally at TPC.  So given that so few of us have hit flagsticks, is there really a demand for this type of product, particularly at that price? 

Henry: Our research would say yes – golfers all want to be like Tiger so when they see him aiming right at the pin they will too, and we want to be there for them so when their game improves their scores will too. 

Reporter:  A noble and worthy objective, indeed – but are you really expecting consumers to call a number to tell you to contact their course and get the flags installed?

Henry: Absolutely, we’ve had a blog with the # on it for a few weeks now and we’ve gotten several calls. 

Reporter: Isn’t it fair to say that most of those calls were from people who had complaints about your blog content?

Henry: What the – first of all, I don’t believe so, and how would you know that type of information anyway?

Reporter:  I talked to one of your ex-call center employees and they said that an unexpectedly low # of calls has been received to date, which is why she was laid off.  She did say the two calls she got on her last day were about complaints with some of the content on your blog. 

Henry:  I have no idea what you’re talking about

Reporter:  Wait a minute, guys, I’ve got one of those cool new phones with a little web browser on it.  I just Googled Henry Paris and he used to be known as Radley Metzger, and check this out, he used to be an adult film producer.  He produced Private Afternoons of Pamela Mann – truly a classic – and many other films.  Apparently he’s made quite the career change with his move to the golf business and the head position at Sticky Wicket.

Beavis: Hehehe – he said “head position.”

Butthead: Hehehe – he said “sticky wicket.” 

Beavis: Shut up Butthead

Reporter: Someone shut that TV off – so it is an impressive career shift Mr. Metzger – er, Paris.  I’d like an answer to the question –

Henry: The blog happens to be about my old life as a film producer – I keep a running list of who’s doing what and who’s living where so some of my old industry contacts can keep track of each other.  We all use LinkedIn – it’s the best way to stay in touch. 

Reporter:  Well, how very tech-savvy of you – I like Friendster, and I’m surprised you don’t given your background, but nevertheless I was asking about a different question – do you really think there’s a market opportunity here, and how did you convince the VCs that this is a big opportunity?

Henry:  It wasn’t that hard.  VCs are always looking for anything with an up-and-to-the-right curve, and all we had to do was show a few curves around an increasing number of golfers and an increase in equipment quality resulting in an increase in the number of flagsticks hit per round.  Voila – just like that, you get a VC salivating at the mere mention of “buried lie.”  It’s like the “3 guys and a napkin” time a few years back – throw enough charts and jargon at them and the average VC loses their bearings in about 10 minutes thinking of the remodel they can pull off after the IPO. 

Reporter:  But how can you build charts to support this product?  The number of golfers played is flat to declining and retention is the big issue.  The number of rounds per year is also flat to declining.  Equipment has been improving for the past 50+ years and yet the average handicap has remained relatively constant.  Finally, there’s no evidence to suggest that for the average golfer – or any golfer – hitting the flagstick is a realistic concern.  So why would a VC write a check that goes anywhere near this industry?

Henry:  Well, we’ve got other products and revenue opportunities in the pipeline.  You mentioned the Buick – we’re working on a padded cup to prevent that from happening again, as well as padded sprinkler heads for use around the greens.  We’re one or two bounces away from those being a nice idea – they’re already testing well, we just need Tiger to bounce a couple balls off sprinkler heads and over greens to really stir up some interest.  And of course there are sponsorship opportunities for the flags – we’re lining up companies that might have interest.  Hybrid greens with Velcro patches are under development – no clear timeline for when they will be released but that would allow high spin-rate players like Tiger to fire right at the pin and know their good shots will be rewarded. 

Reporter:  Padded sprinkler heads, hybrid greens – isn’t it a little silly, shouldn’t we just let the rub of the green determine the result in some cases?

Henry:  Maybe you guys in the media like it that way, but the folks at the PGA and the tournaments certainly have other thoughts.  They’re working with us to make sure all the big tournaments take a look at our product.  They don’t want luck to have a large part in determining the outcome, and they believe our product helps. 

Reporter:  So this whole product line is aimed at professional tour stops and minimizing unfair bounces?

Henry:  Pretty much, yes. 

Reporter:  And a VC felt like this was worth writing a check to get you moving forward on approaching golf courses nationwide? 

Henry:  Yes.

Reporter:  And you think the media is full of idiots – what does that financing round make VCs??

Henry:  No comment.

A Day on the Greens - As Seen on TV

Editor’s Note – the following are actual products collected as part of an “As seen on TV” Halloween theme at work.  Yes, the Momentus and the Alien were not only allowed at work, but encouraged, for a day.  This has potential for a more complete post later …

A Day on the Greens “As seen on TV”

Item 1 – Momentus swing trainer

Warm up for that big round with the Momentus swing trainer.  Back in his prime (aka when he really had some game), David Duval was a pitchman for this weighted club, which is intended to help your body understand all the right (and not so right) positions for the golf swing.  Take a few swings with the Momentus to make sure everything in your swing is finely tuned before striking that first down-the-middle tee shot.

These days the Momentus can be found on eBay for $20-30.  Not surprisingly Duval can be found on eBay for about the same price.  Like many “as seen on TV” products, the pitchman can make – or break – the product.  Fortunately, Momentus learned their lesson well and chose for their Duval follow-on another well-known household name – Todd Hamilton.  No, not Tad Hamilton, he’s that fictional modeled-on-Brad-Pitt-not-really guy from the movie with his name in it.  Todd Hamilton, on the other hand, won the British Open in 2004 at Royal Troon over some slightly better-known guy named Ernie.  One hitter wonder or not – Todd’s now “da man” for Momentus. 

Item 2 – Massage Buddy

Nothing beats a good massage to get all the moving parts nice and limber and ready for the first tee.  After a few warm up swings with the Momentus, get your backs, arms, and legs that little something extra to find those 10 extra yards you’ll need to drive it past your buddies.  Ah, yes, nothing screams “testosterone” like hammering the long drive in your group on a 5-par and then cold-topping a 3-wood about 20 yards left and stymied behind a tree.  That’s when you’ll thank the “Massage Buddy” – it’ll take all that tension out of your swing for the all-important pitch out back to the fairway.  Then after you hit a career 5-iron to 25 feet and leave yourself a tricky double-breaker for par, life is good again.  After you run it 8 feet past and miss the come-backer for the dreaded 3 putt, break the “Massage Buddy” out again.  Yes, twice on one hole – go on, it’s OK.  That’s what buddies are for – whenever you need them, no questions asked!

If your round involves a cart (at which point it should not be called golf, but that’s fodder for another time), stress levels can increase from any number of causes – lack of beer, slow play, pesky temperature changes from rushing downhill on those elevated tees, or lack of beer.  Whatever the reason, take the ride-a-long version (aka Chair Therapy).  Use it between shots, between holes, or between beers – whenever, wherever.  Ladies – a perfect gift for the guy that has everything – he’ll thank you for years. 

Item 3 – The “Alien”

It’s the 6th hole.  You’ve got the round of your life going – you’re one over par as you stand over your third shot on the par 4.  After your first poor tee shot, your recovery shot left you with a 20-yard pitch from rough you can barely see your shoes in over a bunker to a tight pin with a green that runs away.  Yes, friends, this is the kind of situation that makes even Tiger Woods’ caddy look for a camera to blame things on so he can throw it and work out some of that tension (if he only had a Massage Buddy …) 

Fear not, Alien in hand, you’re ready.  You’ve seen it handle worse than this – didn’t it hole out from off that hard dirt over water in the commercial?  Didn’t it hole multiple bunker shots in a 60-second sequence from lies that would make Gary Player squeamish?  So you step in, knowing that this one shot could end up propelling you on to greatness or carding the dreaded snowman on the way to something closer to normal.  Thinking positive swing thoughts (are there any other kind?), you step in and put your best swing on it, then cringe in fear as you blade it over the green and almost kill the guy on the tee in front of you – bad form since you already hit into him on # 4 in an effort to play through his threesome.  Ah, the Alien – it can play in commercials, but it winds up as a 7-day no-reserve auction on eBay this day. 

Item 4 – Golf Lighter

Now that the round is back to normal and you’ve made the turn in your standard 44, your swing now becomes a well-oiled machine.  You step up to the 13th hole, a 148-yard par-3.  Normally your nemesis, you are ready for this hole today.  You hit one of the best 7-irons you’ve ever hit – two bounces later, it disappears in the hole for your first career hole-in-one.  Ignoring the pain that will come from the bar bill on a Saturday at the club (and be honest, is it really that painful to have to admit to a roomful of strangers that yes, I have to buy drinks because I had a hole-in-one?), you instantly reach for that “as seen on TV” device meant for such moments – the golf lighter. 

This is the reason you’ve kept that cigar in your bag for 8 long years – this is the reason you’ve tested the lighter before each round.  On the off chance that this moment happened, you would be ready.  Out comes the golf lighter, out comes the cigar, and with it’s moment at hand, the golf lighter delivers a beautiful flame on the first attempt.  Ah, the sweet success of knowing you’ve accomplished a rare feat will not wipe that smile off your face for some time to come.  Of course, the dried out, slightly moldy 8-year old cigar almost kills you after the first drag, but amazingly that part always gets left on the cutting room floor in “infomercial land.”  Where is the FCC when you need them to enforce "truth in advertising" – Reed Hundt, Buehler, anyone?

Item 5 – Tee Time Golf Putting Green

You realize quickly that you won’t be so lucky.  Not every 7-iron will find the bottom of the cup, and not every crisply struck Alien will leave you with a “gimme.”  No, there will be more putts that you have to actually put a good stroke on if you have any hope of posting a good score.  Then it hits you – well, not then, but earlier, when you were in the mens’ room at the club listening to the TV in the background mutter on about how you spend “an average of 15 minutes a day in ‘that room’, and wouldn’t it be great if your golf game could improve as a result?” 

“Yeah, it would!  How can I do that?  What are they talking about?  Hey, can someone turn that up?  Push pause, push pause!  Where is my Tivo?  Hey, give me something to write on!  Never mind – I got it.”  You can’t wait to get on the phone and order the Tee Time Golf Putting Green.  It arrives and just as advertised it does provide some value-add for that crucial 15 minutes a day.  So you when you slam that 4-footer into the back of the cup on # 18 for bogey to salvage a 92 and take down your buddy 1-up on the back 9 and 2-up overall, you’ve got one thing and one thing only to thank – the Tee Time Golf Putting Green.

Item 6 – Bacon Wave

Homer Simpson was right – “Bacon is the perfect food.”  OK, Homer also claimed the same title for donuts but that was only after he’d eaten his bacon.  More importantly, Homer was just too expensive for a spokesperson so we shamelessly throw his quote in to use him without any compensation.  Ah, God bless America, land of free speech and endless litigation – so sue me and my Jamaican-Honduran based S corp with a Swiss bank account, Homer – or whoever owns you!  But I digress …

So after a round with long drives, a hole-in-one, a bladed wedge that almost left you a felon, and some quality time with your putter in the men’s room – you’re ready for some quality pork product.  Why wait for them to put it on the barbecue – that could take 5-10 minutes!  No, my friend, you live in a society of instant gratification – you you’re your bacon and you want it now!  Just fire up the old Bacon Wave with your consumer-friendly microwave, found in most golf establishments.  Smile and put the bring-your-own corkage fee on your account because you’ll be chowing down on some bacon before the waiter even brings the first one of cold, frosty beverages.  Fits in most golf bags – wash regularly and remember to remove when daylight savings shows up and those trips to the club get less frequent. 

Item 7 - Sportcap Buddy

Ah, home at last, time for a nice hot shower – hey, this golf stuff is hard work – miles of walking, and through some rough terrain the way you were hitting it.  Yes, only soldiers and NFL players at training camp should be subjected to what you just lived through – except for that tasty bacon cheeseburger.  So you get a nice shower, your clothes get some quality time in the washing machine … but what about your trusty companion, Mr. Ball Cap?  Yes, that salt-ringed implement that’s been worn so long you can’t remember if your club name has actually gotten shorter in the past 5 years or the letters have just faded on Mr. Ball Cap (aka Mr. Cap)  Month after month Mr. Cap gets a spot on the wall next to the previous versions of Mr. Cap – yes, 15 years of Mr. Caps all stacked up on top of one another – do you really need to wonder why the hat sounds like it screams when it gets tossed on top of that stack? 

Well, no longer thanks to that great American invention (made in Japan by German scientists who were raised in Australia) “Sportcap Buddy.”  Just open up the Sportcap Buddy, slide Mr. Cap in, and he is in for the treat of a lifetime.  Forty minutes of blissful washing machine time – cleaning up all that sweat, grime, and whatever else happens to find it’s way onto your hat throughout an entire season of golf.  Sadly at the end of the wash cycle, Mr. Cap is relegated back to the top of the stack, but you can bet he’s feeling good about himself.  Sportcap Buddy – as seen on TV.  Help Mr. Cap make it through one extra season!

Item 8 – Dryer Balls

Mr. Cap is now peacefully resting after the rinse and spin cycle completed a perfect day.  You have now enjoyed some take-out, a great shower, a nap, and Sportscenter after your round.  Could it get any better?  In fact, my friend, there is one more product that could make your day just a little more complete.  Have you ever pulled your shirts out of the dryer and visibly frowned to yourself when you realized that wrinkles – yes, wrinkles – were literally all over your shirts.  Did they ask your permission – did they mention they would be visiting?  Of course not – and how rude is that?  Well, fear not, sports fan, Dryer Balls – and wow, there is some marketing genius at work there folks – is on the case.  Yes, just put a Dryer Ball in the dryer with those cotton shirts you’ve taken such good care of and they will take care of you right back.  That 10-year old shirt with the ugliest stripes your friends have ever seen from Pebble Beach and that once-in-a-lifetime round; that 8-year old floral print from St. Andrews (like it saw the light of day under 3 layers of clothes on the Old Course); and of course that soup-stained 5-year old momento from the member-guest at your buddy’s place (note to self – never order beef soup with a white shirt – and never have a career round with a white shirt on, switch at the turn if you’re thinking career round is even possible) – all will get fewer wrinkles, last longer, and torture friends and family for even more rounds with Dryer Balls.  Talk about a win-win situation – folks, call now, operators are standing by and only the first 10,000 callers will get one of these – 1-800-AS-SEEN-ON-TV!

Welcome Chris DiMarco - your US Team Leader!

The following is a fictitious post-Presidents Cup chat room exchange - it is intended to be humorous (if it's not, that's your fault, I've done all I can)

Gatorboy98: What a performance by my guy DiMarco – carries Phil’s carcass around for the better part of the week before really lighting it up in the singles for the deciding match with that 18-footer on the last.  Go Gators yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

LeftyUDaMan: Easy Gatorboy, it was a team effort the first 3 days and Phil was sticking some iron shots.

Gatorboy98: Yeah, Phil played OK, but then it came down to Sunday and Claw-boy came through with the point that won us the Prez Cup – been 5 years since we won any sort of Cup, it was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LeftyUDaMan: You know you can fix that key lock problem with some WD-40 – either that or smack the keyboard a few times.  Don’t get too excited about winning that last point, Phil was right there in OT if needed for the decider.

DiMarcoRules: How sweet was that 29 in four-ball on Saturday?  Unbelievable – most teams aren’t shooting that in foursomes or four-ball or better ball or whatever they call it.  Only the 2nd hole in one in Prez Cup history, that’s all – that little 8-iron on # 7.  Giddyup!

KPerrySupporter: You may want to stick to sports you’re more familiar with DR – now listen closely, four-ball is frequently called better ball, and foursomes is alternate shot.  Four-ball means both guys play and the low score counts – foursomes means each player hits alternate shots and every shot counts.  Four-ball is also what it feels like you have when they’re swollen from me virtually kneeing you in the groin for being an idiot.

DiMarcoRules: Well, thank you Mr. Know-it-all, I’ll be sure and keep my formats straight from here on out.  You better watch it or I’ll come over and give y’all a little beat-down like my Gators did to your Wildcats yesterday.

KPerrySupporter: Don’t assume that because I support Kenny Perry I’m a UK guy.  I’m actually a Notre Dame fan who’s still thanking the big man upstairs for getting rid of that pathetic “ball-control” offense Willingham was running and letting them air it out a bit with Weiss around.  Finally we’ll be back to relevance and making Bowl Games because we earned it, not just because we’re Notre Dame.

DiMarcoRules: Hey, hellooooooooooo, can we focus here boys?  I’m not done bragging on my guy DiMarco yet.  He could have a break-out year in ’06.  Don’t forget, he’s already been to playoffs at the PGA and Augusta.

TigerWoodsIsTheMan: Yeah, well, who’d he lose that playoff to at Augusta?  That would be my boy Tiger – bringing it home with that clutch birdie in OT!

DiMarcoRules: Only because neither of Chris’ birdie chips went in.  Nicklaus knows a player though – throwing DiMarco up in the anchor leg while Tiger gets the 3-spot – nice if you’re hitting in front of Barry Bonds, sorta suggests you’re not playing well batting third in Sunday singles.

TigerIsTheMan: Yeah, maybe, or that Nicklaus wants to get off to a hot start so that there’s no pressure on DiMarco, or Mickleson, late in the day.  We’ve all seen how well they react to, ahem, some Sunday pressure late in the day.

MickelsonMan: Oh, that is so 2003 – Phil chased down Ernie to win Augusta in 2004, then gets it done with a clutch up-and-down at Baltusrol for the PGA last month – he’s halfway to the career grand slam, so pipe down with all this Sunday pressure stuff.  We’re not worried about your guy batting third though – got his back in the 11 spot.

GoldenBear: What I thought was great was the camaraderie that the players showed all week.  It’s good to see the US team actually playing like a team – they care about this stuff, no matter what the past results suggest.

TigerIsGod: Shut your pie-hole Goldie – time will tell if they’ve suddenly turned a bunch of prima donnas into a team or not.  Meanwhile, my guy Tiger’s out there carrying most of the team on his back – again.  It’s amazing the pressure he’s under every time one of these pesky team competitions shows up.  And yet still, somehow, he delivers.

GoosenFanatic: Delivers?  Yeah, whatever.  He ends up with 2 ½ points for the week while DiMarco gets 4 ½ for the US including the clincher and Retief ends up with 4 ½ points for the Intls but somehow Tiger “delivers”  Ratings maybe, and someone has to explain to me just what about DiMarco or Retief’s performance was boring.  Geez, let’s hope the Fedex guy brings a little more reliability to the table than Tiger does in the delivery department.

DanHicksSucks: Yeah, well, it’s all thanks to idiots like Hicks.  Love that shot of Tiger’s on 15 as he airmails it and yells “Down!”  All Hicks can say is “It’s amazing how Tiger knows instantly after impact (what’s gone wrong).”  Yeah, very impressive, that a world-class player knows when he’s going to airmail it because he double-crossed it.  I’m guessing Hicksy sports about an 18 and we’d be giving him 4 a side as he mutters “usually they’re much straighter than that – and a lot higher too.”  Johnny’s not much better – he somehow manages to come up with a “hey, New Orleans, we at NBC are all pulling for you” when Tiger airmails it into the thick rough.  Hey New Orleans, it must feel great to know that NBC is at least pulling for you when Tiger hits a bad shot.

TigerIsGod: I’m sure Johnny is always pulling for them, he was just mesmerized by the quality of Tiger’s play on the front side.  You guys better get off Tiger – you saw his back problems!  All week he was fighting it and grinding like only he can – most guys wouldn’t have been able to keep it together, probably wouldn’t even suit up on Sunday.  He’s such a leader and a gamer – no way he was going to bail, and he never stops working out there.  He was in so much pain on the back 9 – especially on 17.  He hit that low thin skull chili dipper with salsa knowing it was going to wreak havoc with his back and make Erin do all the work for a few weeks, if you know what I’m saying.

DoesErinHaveATwin?: Oh, yeah, baby, that’s what I’m talking about!  Erin
is so hot, I can’t touch my Tivo remote when she’s on screen!  Man, if she only had a twin sister … well, I’d replace that little minx Angelie Jolie with her during those late night encounters …and the thought of a 2-on-1, well … I’ll be right back.

WantToBeElinsAttorney: Yeah, what encounters, with your palm?  Hey, genius, she’s got an identical twin sister, but something tells me she’s not going to be interested in a loser like you anytime soon.  First, it’s Elin, not Erin.  Second, do a Google search and you can get all the info you want on her twin sister.  Hopefully you can operate Google without any assistance – but just in case, put the gum in the trash first.  Third, what makes you think that some zit-faced little teenager with lust in his eyes has any shot in hell with her?

DLettermanTop10: Ah, still one of my all time favorites – as Letterman said about Julia Roberts, “Folks, Lyle Lovett married Julia Roberts – we all had a shot!”  Let’s let DEHAC have his little fantasy – he should be back in a few minutes so we can trash him some more.  Folks, again, Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett – I don’t care how long it lasted, if that is not proof that she needs glasses and possibly a lobotomy, I don’t know what will prove it.  What it does tell me is “Dare to dream big!”

GodWantsToBeTiger: Yo, helloooooooooo, can we focus over here, we were talking about that fantastic team leadership effort by my guy Tiger before we were so rudely interrupted by this “40-year old Virgin” out-take session.  If I want to listen to wanna-be reality TV, I’ll go turn on the peacock network.

BeavisNButthead: Hahahaha – that was cool – he said pea and cock in the same word.  That was cool – hahahaha – hey, cornholio, come back here!

GodWantsToBeTiger: Not even going there, so like I was saying, Tiger’s leadership of this team was unbelievable.  All he gets in the past has been whining from the media about how Tiger needs to care more about these events – so now he does and it helps lead the team to victory with his dominating performance in both team matches and singles.

PeskyFactsRuiningStory: Newsflash – this just in, Tiger lost to Retief 2-and-1 in the singles and Furyk carried his sorry butt all over the course on Saturday.  I’m amazed Furyk’s back was giving out on Sunday ‘cause Tiger was getting really heavvvvy in round 2 on Saturday.

GodWantsToBeTiger: I know he lost in singles, but that was to give the rest of the team a chance to take the team to victory so they could see how good it feels.

DoesErinHaveATwin: And speaking of feeling good, I’m back – and you’re right, Elin does have a twin, and she is HOTTT!  And if I close the blinds on my window, I can actually take care of those physiological needs we all have without even leaving my Herman Miller desk chair, if you know what I’m saying!

GodWantsToBeTiger: Yuch – wherever the over-sharing line is, you just jumped across it with both feet and went right through the floor on the other side.  That is beyond too much information.  But those Herman Miller chairs are nice, no?

PeskyFactsRuiningStory: Whoa whoa whoa – so you’re saying Tiger tanked the match to Retief to let the other US team members get the rush from deciding the matches?  Not even a whack-job with your handle is really stupid enough to believe that, are you?  For one, Tiger hasn’t felt that winning feeling in about 5 years – unless you want to count that “kissing your sister” tie in South Africa – and don’t think Ernie didn’t want some more of him before Captain Jack got all sentimental with GPlayer and said “let’s call it a tie so we can all go home” which was short-hand for “no way I can get Tiger to stick around until tomorrow in this God-forsaken place you call a country for another day, so unless you want me to roll out David Toms tomorrow morning for Ernie to pound on, let’s call this a tie, OK?”  Come to think of it, why didn’t Player take that deal?

TheseGuysAreGood: Oh, I know, pick me, pick me!  OK, I’ll pick myself – sorry, just love that Shrek movie – he’s some actor.  Anyway, just maybe it’s because Player knows that David Toms is just as likely to beat Ernie as Tiger is – nice hype when Tiger plays Ernie, but in an 18-hole match all of these matches are pretty much pick-ems and in a 3-hole playoff it’s even harder to predict.

GodWantsToBeTiger: You gotta be kidding me – you actually think David could stare down Ernie under that kind of pressure, you must be joking!  Only Tiger could take on Ernie in that hostile environment.

TheseGuysAreGood: Hmm, let’s look at the facts.  Toms stared down Mickelson in 2001 at Atlanta CC with a stone-cold up-and-down from 110 yards to seal the deal with a great par at the last.  He stared down Chris DiMarco (Mr. Clutch – agree with the earlier post that Captain Jack had him out last for a reason) in a 36-hole match play final at the Accenture this year.  He just stared down heart troubles from two weeks back with a great pressure performance on Sunday at the Prez Cup – beating the young South African Trevor Immelman 2-and-1 to get the 2nd early point up for the US.  Eldrick was actually the first singles loser for the US with that 2-and-1 hiccup against Retief.  And oh by the way as for that “leadership” on the first 3 days, that would be a career 8-7-0 record in the Prez Cup – and an uglier 7-11-2 in Ryder Cup.  Meanwhile, DL3 is a whopping 14-6-3 and Freddie is 8-3-1 for Prez Cup.  Want some leadership – Freddy stiffs a 9-iron to 2 feet on the last to beat Nicky Price and win the Prez in 94, then buries a 30-foot putt on 17 to beat Vijay in ’96 (and nice glasses back then Veej – I’ve seen thinner panes on double-pane windows that are shatter-proof – my guess is that’s what kept his swing from getting calibrated properly for a few years – no way he could get that much weight back to impact properly until we was able to go with ultra-thin frames).  That’s leadership, Tiger’s gagging singles finish and his pathetic two-man team play is the majority of the reason why the US hasn’t won one of these things since 2000.  So, yeah, I think David Toms would’ve been a fine pick to replace Tiger after he jumps on his jet and heads for the safe haven of the US where dose mean old international bullies won’t pick on wittle eldrick anymore.

GodWantsToBeTiger:  Hey, buddy, how about a paragraph break – I think I need glasses after wading through that – and what’s up with “wittle eldrick” – did you just go all Elmer Fudd on me without any notice?  Hey, whatever works for you – now you want to talk about quite an actor – well ….  If you want to think Toms could’ve held up, you go on living in that fantasy world.  I will always know that only Tiger could’ve forced OT in the Ernie match and matched him in the 3-hole playoff.

TheseGuysAreGood: Which is interesting since there’s no factual basis for believing that anywhere in recent match play history, particularly the team matches (Ryder/Prez Cup).  Routinely a guy ranked 119 in the world makes a big putt at a crucial time that nobody would expect – but enough about Justin Leonard at Brookline and Paul McGinley at the Belfry.  Even if we just look at singles, the Accenture is a great example of how close all these guys are – since it started in 1999 the lower-seeded player has won 52% of second-round matches and 46% of third-round matches.  Tiger’s lost to a bunch of Irish-sounding foreigners, including Nick O’Hern (yes the same one that showed up this Prez Cup), Peter O’Malley (not the same O’Malley as the bad boy in Disney’s Aristocats – this guy brought some laser beam irons with him all day for the upset in 2002), and Darren Clarke (OK, he actually is Irish, don’t let the name fool you – he bleeds Guiness brown).  So it’s amazing given all of these facts that you still think Tiger’s the only guy who could’ve stared down Ernie in 2002.  It’s even more amazing that the guy can go 2-2-1 and get credit for any kind of “leadership” when guys are coming up big and going 4-0-1 on both sides of the aisle.  You need to go get a job for ESPN or SI – only those idiots will give him credit for leadership after that performance.  They’ll do more than that – they’ll put him on the cover and dedicate most of the article to Tiger’s efforts to be a team player.  Blah blah blah ….

GodWantsToBeTiger: Hey, buddy, how about a paragraph break?

GoosenFanatic: You guys and your paragraph breaks.  Yeah, maybe some of that pain Tiger was in had something to do with Goose’s clutch play on 16 and 17?  Dan Hicks has no idea what he’s talking about – he’s talking about 86% of Tiger’s singles matches being wins.  The problem with that is it was against guys who are now stockbrokers and insurance salesmen – anyone seen any of those guys from the US Amateur days lately?  Trip Kuehne still can’t get his big-hitting brother regularly, and Hank won’t get a sniff of a PGA Tour card until he can hit greens regularly with any of the 4 wedges he carries – let’s not even talk about his putting – ahem - prowess.  Honestly, if Fred Funk had any of that distance he’d be good for 20 top 10s a year.  And Steve Scott, who coughed up that 5-up first round lead over Tiger in ’96, well his biggest news since is a win at the 2002 Texas Classic and $47K in Canadian Tour winnings in 2004 – I don’t care if that’s in Canadian or US currency, that’s barely enough to cover some eats and travel.  So they can trot out Tiger’s phenomenal match play record all they want, but they should at least get rid of the US Amateur part of it, because those guys are nothing compared to the guys he’s playing now, no matter how you stack the stats.

(There’s your freakin’ paragraph break) Dan Hicks hit a new hyperbole high (or low) with his “Goosen with a short putt to take out the fiercest match play competitor ever.”  Miller was nice enough to at least throw Bobby Jones into the mix.  I’m not sure how Jack Nicklaus didn’t make that short list.   Maybe current Prez Cup captains are removed from consideration.  Goosen had to have the line of the week early when he responded to a question about he and Scott defeating Tiger and Fred with “Do we get 10 points for beating him?”  That’s the thing about the Prez Cup – every match is worth 1 point no matter who’s playing or who gets beat.

GatorBoy98: Exactly, which makes my point – DiMarco went out and beat whoever they put in front of him while bringing out the best in Phil – something Tiger was never able to do.  DiMarco ended up being the leader of this Prez Cup team through action and results.  No obnoxious statements, no whining about charity $s, no complaining about pairings or shirts or who the captain is – just go out and play.  It’s a lesson Tiger could benefit from – if he can stop whining about all of the above to just get it done.  Jack always used to say “before the majors started, you could watch for who was complaining and cross them off the list” – that was true of a lot of US “stars” in recent events.

(There’s your freakin’ paragraph break) If it changes, it won’t be because of anything Tiger did, it will be because DiMarco went out, lifted Phil’s performance level and helped them both play loose all week, then went out and played one of the best clutch 18s on Sunday for the clincher.  Remember, Stuart had birdied 5 of the last 8 before DiMarco’s clutch up-and-down from a stance that can only be nicely described as “ball about knee high while you stand in a bunker about 180 from the pin” and a putt that had some speed and break to it and he holed it knowing he had to have it or they go extra holes.  Clutch stuff, and what a great example for the rest of the boys.  Whenever, wherever the Ryder or Prez Cup is going forward, Chris and Phil will be ready – and they’re going to become the next Freddy-Davis type of pairing – roll them out in every match and they’ll win their share and get the best out of each other.  They won’t win them all, but they’ll be in most of them and win plenty.  And Chris and Phil are helping to define the American team with some long-term direction – they can be that anchor team that others build around.

GodWantsToBeTiger: Yeah, and Tiger and Furyk can be another anchor team.  Look at their performance for the week!

GatoryBoy98: 2-1-1 is good, but beaten by both Chris/Phil and Retief/Adam going 4-0-1 and matched by Justin/Scott.  Their performance is only stellar next to Tiger’s previously pathetic efforts.  Besides, rumor has it Tiger asked to get another partner because watching Furyk’s octopus-in-a-phone-booth swing was messing with Tiger’s new swing.  Furyk told Jack to do whatever he wanted.  Just like Tiger to try and get a new partner when he’s got something going along well.  Listen, GWTBT, just give up the Tiger bandwagon thing and admit that DiMarco is the new leader for the US team in international competition.

GodWantsToBeTiger: Wait a minute, the guy who loses to Vijay in a playoff at the PGA, then loses the Match Play final to Toms, then loses to Tiger at Augusta – he’s the new and improved face for the US team for Prez and Ryder cups going forward?  That just seems a little kooky.

GatorBoy98: Wow – kooky – way to step up with the vocabulary.  You know they have whole sites you can go get some new words at if you’re not too busy trying to breathe and type at the same time.  Why don’t you just say “Uncle” and admit that Chris is the man so you can go look a few new fancy words up for us?

GodWantsToBeTiger: OK, sure DiMarco’s the man, but only because Tiger said he could be!  I’m off to go get some new words – be back later!

Creating value for PGA Tour Sponsors

PGA Tour Headquarters
May 18, 2005

Tim Finchem: Thanks for coming guys.  Reminder – it’s a TV contract year and I want to make sure we do everything possible to maximize ratings and give the fans a quality product.  It’s a bit of a 911 situation after Ted Purdy’s win at the Byron followed Peter Petrovic and Tim Lonard’s first PGA wins.  Sponsors are complaining about not getting full value for their checks.  They’ve asked us to follow the Super Bowl model, where even blowouts like the last few years get watched for the cool commercials.  Let’s see what we can do to help out – thoughts?

Vijay Singh: First of all, it’s Peter Lonard and Tim Petrovic – geez, Peter Petrovic, what kind of sick parent would saddle a kid with that name?  There are only 125 of us with PGA cards, you think you could keep the names straight? 

Phil Mickelson: What Super Bowls are you watching Tim?  All 3 New England wins have been by a field goal.  Only Tampa’s blowout of the Raiders wasn’t close, and I’m good with that since I bet the over fairly heavily.  Before that Dyson was a forearm from putting the Titans into OT against the Rams.  Like rumors of Tiger’s recent dominance, the myth of Super Bowl blowouts is more than a bit misleading.  On the marketing side, the Big 4 marketing campaign is working great.  Or is it the “big 5” campaign – hard to say exactly how diversified you want to get the portfolio, but Retief seems worthy of mention, even when missing the cut at the Byron.  Getting fans to recognize there’s players to watch other than Tiger is good for everyone – more fans will watch weeks Tiger’s not playing, sponsors get better value for their marketing dollars, and the networks get some star exposure from someone other than Michelle Wie at the Sony. 

Retief: You want to mock missed cuts – how’s the one from that 3-putt on the 17th green Sunday at Shinnecock feel?

Phil: Wow, little defensive there, Goose. 

Ernie: What do you expect Phil?  He’s still having a hard time over the little LA Open drinking incident.  Flies half-way around the world, does a big shindig with an alcohol sponsor, and gets nuked for missing his Wednesday pro-am.  Does anyone really think that Tiger would’ve gotten DQed for missing a pro-am starting time? 

Phil: Yeah, right, Tiger would’ve called Finchem collect to get that over-turned, than bragged about it in the locker room.

Tiger Woods: Boys, let’s stay on point.  Yeah, good call Lefty.  That big 4/big 5/big 10 thing’s had a nice ride and all, but it’s time to put it to bed.  It died the minute that putt of mine went right in the middle on 18 at Augusta.  Major drought – over.  Pesky slump word – dead as Jimmy Hoffa.  Which big 4/5/18 will win this week conveniently replaced by journalists choice of “who can beat Tiger?” and “can Tiger win the slam?”  And let’s just say that my desire for another US Open is particularly high – who knew Elin would get so excited about me winning golf tournaments?  Long Sunday night, let me tell you, and did I mention how hot she looked in that Sunday red outfit I picked out for her?

Vijay: First, stop referring to yourself in the 3rd person.  Vijay thinks it’s a really stupid way to have a conversation.  Second, all of us PGA guys can find hotties – Pernice hasn’t won a tournament in years and he’s got one of the best looking wives around.  Third, no way you picked that outfit out – that had to be Nike.  Fourth, journalists may be on to something – that 0-for-10 included some real dogs, including that Saturday 81 at the British.  You may not like the slump word, but if the shoe fits.  As for “who can beat Tiger?” – you did nothing in the majors last year while I won Player of the Year with 9 wins.  So I know a little something about long nights on Sunday, alright?

Tiger:  Wow – there’s a visual I didn’t need.  And like your 2004 does anything for the tour – you’re still the most boring guy to watch win 9 tournaments we can find.  You make Duval look like Mr. Excitement.  Besides, that was then, this is now.  For 2005 it’s Tiger 1, rest of you guys 0 in tourneys that matter.  Plus, I didn’t just win Augusta, I set up one of the all-time commercial opps with that pitch on 16 hanging on the lip with the Nike logo sitting there for all to see.  Why do you think I was grinding over that thing – it was an easy enough chip but it took a while to do the math on the revolutions needed and the distance covered to get it to hang right there before going in.  Now that’s adding value for your sponsors – I would’ve done the math quicker but I only finished two years at Stanford.

Ernie: Come on Tiger, you expect us to believe that you spent extra time on 16 for a sponsor benefit while you were in a dogfight with DiMarco.  You’ve got to be kidding, right?  And by the way, at my house, we get long nights for wins on any tour, so my globe-trotting has some fringe benefits.   

Finchem: OK, guys, enough about the long nights.  Geez, you get to be my age, and you have long nights for entirely different reasons.  I had some Mexican food last week and let me tell you

Vijay: Tim …

Finchem: Right, sorry Vijay, I digress, back to our topic.  What are we going to do make sure the sponsors get full value?

Mickelson: Well obviously most of the guys out here can play, so there’s some risk with the Big 4 campaign.  As well as we’ve played, Tim’s right that over half the tournaments have been won by other players – 11 of 20 through the Byron.  What about reviving the “These guys are good” clips and updating them.  My full court flop shot to David Robinson for a game-winning slam was an instant classic and helped the casual fan relate to some of our skills.  What if we had DiMarco hitting wedge right over an FSU cornerback to an open Gator receiver?

Tiger:  I don’t know – how many Gators fans play golf?  Plus casual golf fans have the attention span of a 3-year old and don’t buy the “These guys are good” ads anymore.  They see all these great shots on commercials, but then some guy like DiMarco gets in a position to win and starts choking like a dog on the back nine on Sunday.  We need to give them something to stay focused on, some kind of rivalry like Sox-Yankees or Stanford-Arizona.

Mickelson: Yeah, good call Tiger, let’s aspire to match a west coast Pac 10 rivalry game that means nothing east of New Mexico.  I graduated from ASU and the Pac 10 gets a bum rap from east coast fish wrap hacks, but you gotta think bigger.

Vijay: Hey, Tiger, that was you, not Chris, that made bogey on 17 and 18.  You’re lucky to be wearing that new green jacket – if either of Chris’ chips go in, that’s his jacket.

Tiger: You’re kidding, right – when’s the last time I missed a putt that mattered, other than those par putts on 17 and 18.

Finchem: Let’s get back on topic.

Vijay: OK, Tim, let’s go with the sponsor’s premise that entertaining commercials are one of the things that keep fans watching, no matter who’s leading.  How about if we promote the upcoming commercials for the week in the previous week’s broadcast?

Finchem: Go on, Vijay, you might be on to something.

Vijay: So during Sunday’s telecast at the Byron Nelson, we could do a promo like next week at Colonial, see Justin Leonard, David Love III, and Phil Mickelson compete for the title, as well as great new ads from Titleist, Nike, and Footjoy. 

Finchem: Intriguing – more details please.

Vijay: Well, the Nike boys have just scratched the surface with Frank the headcover.  Sure Frank’s “best contact you’ve made all year Duval” comment after David breaks the SUV window is mildly entertaining, but talk about kicking a man when he’s down.  Here’s a thought – what if we extended Frank to covering current events on the PGA Tour?  For example, what if Frank and Tiger were walking right past the Byron Nelson statute out to the parking lot and Frank ends with “Thanks for the weekend off, I’ve been trying to catch up on my naps and spend more time with this hottie in Parnevik’s bag – it’ll be much easier now.”  Tiger could respond with “Yeah, that Jesper’s taking care of both of us, isn’t he, Frank?”

Ernie: Wow, are you writing your own material these days Vijay?  That’s pretty solid stuff, especially with that dead-pan delivery. 

Tiger: Did I mention how hot Elin looked on Masters Sunday, or what a long night it was on Sunday?

Phil: Uh, yeah, at least twice now. 

Vijay: I’m not done.  Ernie, we could put Frank in your bag, or get you your own Frank, and he could yell “fore right – clean up on aisle 53” after a clip of your drive on 18 at Kapalua.  100-yard fairway and you still miss it – tragic.  It’s the second coming of the Barkley “clean up on aisle 12” spot.

Ernie: OK, that’s not funny – although I do hit the play button on my Tivo everytime Barkley stops his swing at the top like that – he’s going to need a good chiropractor.  Wait, I’ve got one – Vijay, we could put Frank in your bag and have a 2-take spot.  Take 1 – show the missed putt against Padraig at the Honda and Frank shakes his head again and says “You can play drivers right to left, play putts to go STRAIGHT!”  Take 2 – show your splash-down on 18 at Arnie’s and Frank shakes his head and says “I told him to hit one more club, but no, he says he’s been working out.” 

Phil: Very nice Ernie, that should keep fans entertained.  Hey, here’s a flashback, let’s revisit the Sergio commercial where he’s driving in the Mercedes convertible.  I could be driving the new Ford Mustang convertible, that’s right, the one with the 5-liter V-8, and saying “I didn’t have my B game last year on Sunday at Augusta and I still won.”

Retief: Phil, you idiot, Sergio said “I didn’t have my A game today” as a mocking reference to Tiger saying it after a win early in his career.  Using B game there makes no sense at all – like choosing a flop shot when a simple pitch and run will do the job, but enough about your shot selection.  Plus, why would you include a specific reference to a tournament?  Also, just for reference, what made Sergio’s funny was he was working on his English skills – he’s Spanish if you couldn’t tell from his on-course histrionics – and for the rest of us English is our lingua franca.  For such a creative genius around the short game, sure hard to get you to think outside of the box for this project.

Phil: It took me 40-some majors to win that green jacket – I’ll throw it in as many gratuitous references as possible for the next 40-some. 

Tiger: Easy on the vocabulary, Retief – histrionics?  I took that credit/no credit and barely passed – lots of roadies that semester.  And lingua franca – I intentionally shied away from international languages in my class choices, knowing that I could make Tim or whoever have all the big tournaments in the US if I needed to – not that I’d ever play that card.

Retief: For the language challenged – not naming names … Tiger – histrionics is emotional behavior that lacks sincerity, like when Sergio gets all hot after pushing a 7-iron 10 yards right when that’s where he was aiming, or like you smiling at fans as if you care about them.  Lingua franca is common language – it’s a Latin term.  You know they’ve really got some great on-line courses if you’re interested.  I’ll email you a link.

Tiger: What’s email?  And are you saying I don’t care about the fans – I connect with them.  When’s the last time you actually gave a fist pump?

Retief: Like the lightning that struck me as a teenager, sometimes you almost kill me.  You connect with the fans – you’re the Ivan Lendl of golf.  If you could play majors in front of no crowds, you would – particularly if you could set it up on pay-per-view and get a cut.  And the fist pump is so over-rated – remember, the fist pump on 16 set up a bogey-bogey finish and a playoff at Augusta.  You shold be more even-keeled, like me. 

Tiger: You may be on to something with that no fans and pay-per-view thing.  Let’s catch up on that one later – maybe just a pay-per-view for my two-some on the weekend, whenever we tee off. 
Vijay: How about if we do more with Sign Boy?  Rob’s really funny, and he’ll do anything – when I told him to sit there for 6 hours and keep putting balls on a tee for me while we were filming, who knew he’d do it and not take a bathroom break for half of that time?  Twice I grazed his left knee with my driver and put drives 10 yards right, so of course I had to spend a few more hours working things out with my swing.  That kind of perseverance deserves an award, or at least a reward. 

Ernie: A reward for you, for hitting golf balls?  Setting the bar a bit low, isn’t it, Vijay?

Vijay: No, not for me Ernie, for Rob. 

Phil: I’ve got it – how about if we combine Desperate Housewives with Sign Boy?  We can have Rob working the 17th hole of the Open and it’s all tied up and on the walk to 18 tee Teri Hatcher pops out of nowhere and says “Sign Boy, I want you.”  Rob’s no dummy – he throws the sign to a guy in the audience and says “Vijay’ll have to play the 18th without me!” 

Finchem:  Whoa, hold it right there, you know how much grief ABC and the Monday Night Football crew took for the towel skit with Terrell Owens? 

Phil: Listen, Tim, you’re the guy who says we want to deliver value to sponsors.  Does anyone really think that Terrell’s sponsors, ABC’s sponsors, or the advertisers on Desperate Housewives didn’t come out ahead on that event from the publicity side?  If you want to deliver maximum sponsor value, sometimes you’ve got to live on the edge a little bit. 

Finchem: You’ve got a point – OK, Vijay you call Rob and start getting things set up.  I’ll call ABC and Teri’s agent.

Tiger: Wait a minute, why do you get to call ABC and Teri’s agent, and why does Vijay call Rob?

Finchem: Because, Mr. Control Freak, I think Teri’s pretty hot and I know the ABC guys a little – plus Vijay obviously knows Rob.

Tiger: And why does Vijay get to be in the last group for the spot?

Finchem: Ahhh, fine, Tiger, you can be in the last group with him.  Assuming the question – Ernie and Retief will be in the next-to-last group.  Phil, you’ll be playing with Mike Weir in the third-to-last group, and yes we can get cameos of all of you in the spot because there will be a huge back-up on the 18th tee for this spot.

Phil: Oh, sure, the token lefty pairing with Mike and I – that is so typical.

Tiger: Huge back-up on 18 tee?  What are you talking about?

Finchem: For the spot, it’ll be a par 3 finishing hole.

Tiger: What??  That’s crazy – we’ve never had an Open finish on a par 3.

Ernie: Sure, we did – when I won on Congressional over Colin and Maggert in ’97, we finished on a par 3 over water.

Tiger: That was the last hole – I thought it was # 14?

Ernie: Maybe you’re not used to playing that early on Sunday?

Finchem: OK, that’s enough – everyone go out and make their calls and let’s get this spot set up.  We’ve got just enough time to film it and get it in the rotation for Pinehurst.  Oh, wait, NBC will hate it – scrap that, we’ll have it ready for the British so ABC/ESPN can run it all week.  That buys us a few weeks.  Listen – to make it look authentic we’ll have to do this on a British links course, so we’ll go to Oregon and film it at Bandon Dunes.  I’ll make arrangements.  I’m pumped – this is going to be a great spot and will add a ton of value.  Nice job guys. 

Mickelson: No problem, Tim, glad I could help. 

Vijay: Hey, it was my idea to get Rob involved.

Ernie: Oh, Veej, go back to the range, will you – you’re getting cranky …

Sportscenter - Day 1 at Augusta

Welcome to Sportscenter.  Hello again, folks, I’m Stuart Scott and joining me for the show is Chris Berman.  Boomer – good to have you alongside – let’s get to the NBA playoff races in a minute.  First what can you say about Augusta on day 1?

Berman: That it was wet?  I’ve seen drier areas on a rain delay tarp at Fenway than on the fairways at the Masters today.  Yes, Stuart, the big 4 are in town and oh, yes, 89 players joined them and teed off today in pursuit of the elusive green jacket.  The start delayed by thunder and lightning for several hours as the patrons wait patiently for a Nicklaus or Tiger sighting.  An American Ryder Cupper that played in the last group with Phil last year is on top – Chris “I’m going to leave my” Dimarco playing well again at Augusta.  Stuart – you have some DiMarco highlights?

Scott: Maybe later, Boomer.  First, let’s give the fans what they want and get to Tiger.  He had what can only be called one of the best 2-over partial rounds in the history of Augusta.  Here on 13, Tiger with 195 left after a huge drive and has some tree trouble to contend with from the pine needles under the trees.  Tiger takes an aggressive play – stick it to the man, T – and laces a 6-iron under the trees that clears the water and gets to the back corner of the green.  That has to be one of the best approach shots from the pine needles ever hit on 13 – phenomenal.  Trouble for my guy T is that the pins on the right front so he’s got a bomb to make if he wants an eagle.  He lines it up and gives it a great run, just missing on the high side, but what’s this?”

Berman: It goes back, back, back, and yes, folks, Tiger “I can’t believe that putt after hitting it out of the” Woods just putted into the water!  You know, I played Pebble Beach at the AT&T and it takes some effort to putt one into the water.  I’ve got no game, a hat that restricts my back swing, a hangover, and a gut that rivals Stadler’s and I can keep my putts out of the water and make the pro-am cut at Pebble.  Come on, Tiger, what’s up with that?

Scott: Hey, get off my guy, Boomer.  You got no game and Sluman carried your carcass all week.  Besides, this isn’t about you, it’s Tiger grinding as only the 8-time major winner can.  He drops at the spot of the putt and hits a beauty to set up a 2-putt bogey to minimize the damage – Tiger’s wicked smart to realize you don’t have to play out of the hazard, instead you can replay the shot with a penalty stroke.  Pay attention all you aspiring Tigers out there – know the rules and you too can save shots. 

Berman: Save shots?  Stuart, he’s giving up 1 or 2 to the field by making 6 there.  You didn’t take any math at Carolina?  I thought that was required at Chapel Hill even for journalism majors?

Scott: Boomer, you are really into me tonight.  I’m about to open up a can of whup – sorry, this is a family program, back to Tiger.  Here he is on 14 trying to rebound from the 13th with a long birdie putt that … just … burns the edge.  Man, that may be the best 1st putt the 14th green has ever seen.

Berman: Yeah, right, except for the one Phil made on Sunday last year to carry him to victory against Ernie.  Stop with the Tiger hype – you’re killing me Stuart “F. Scott Fitzgerald”  The more interesting highlight on 14 is this one of Tiger tapping in his 2-incher with a side-saddle look, which of course the PGA banned years ago when Sam Snead used something similar.  We could go ... all ... the ... way ... to a rules violation, and the phone lines and web servers lit up as people wrote in with viewers indicating there should be 2-stroke penalty.  Needless to say the boys at CBS were looking on closely as

Scott: Tiger was absolved of anything.  Listen, that may be a 2-shot penalty if you’re Duval and have no game.  But if you’re Tiger and you’re grinding, there’s no way that’s a penalty.  Another bad break as Tiger has to discuss the topic with rules officials after the round – disrupting his routine even more than Mother Nature.  Meanwhile, back on the course Tiger regroups and birdies 15 with a tremendous drive – maybe the best ever seen to the left rough on 15 – and a wedge to 20 feet, followed by an easy 2-putt birdie – and he’s back – boo-yeah!  He finishes the front 9 at +2 and then the biggest crime of the century occurs at # 1 after Tiger makes the turn.  He kills a drive

Berman: Wait, let me guess, the best drive # 1 has ever seen – I’m seeing a theme here

Scott: Whatever – T then pulls out his sand wedge – Boomer, sand wedge on a 435-yard hole from 90.  Yeah, we learned ‘rithmetic at UNC – that’s  345 yard drive – boo-yeah!  You’d be hitting sand wedge for your 4th from out there – and Tiger absolutely stripes it.  He’s posing, staring it down, it’s right at the hole – he’s going to be in another Nike commercial after this goes in!  And then, folks, watch this –

Berman: Boom!  There it goes, right off the flagstick, and into the bunker!  Par’ll be a lot of work from there, Tiger.  And Eldrick very upset, nearly taking off Steve Williams’ head with the club toss.  You can hear Tiger, “Sorry Steve – no worries, I’ll play the New Zealand Open for you again this year.  Who’s your daddy, caddy?”

Scott: Oh, that’s cute Chris.  I’m telling you, some DA somewhere should file charges.  I’ve said for years that new technology is making flagsticks, not just courses, obsolete.  We’re going to have to wrap them with Styrofoam or something – Tiger’s so good he actually hits the pin when he aims at it – that is more than just a little unfair.

Berman: If he’s so good, maybe he should aim two feet to the right of the pin so that doesn’t happen?  Here’s Tiger’s bunker shot – tough one from a downhill lie – ooooh, and he semi-blades it to the back half of the green and takes two to get down from there, another bogey.  I’ve hit better bunker shots than that!

Scott: Sure, after leaving it in there a few times.  Without question, that bogey got inside Tiger’s head.  He’s thinking “man, I stuffed it on 1, should’ve made birdie as I get to this par-5 I can birdie in my sleep – instead I make bogey and now I’m 6 back and it’s early and I’m hot”

Berman: And sleep he does, right through his tee ball – waking up just in time to take one hand off the club and hit a nasty duck hook.  Boy, I hit ‘em better than that all week at Pebble.  But that has got to be one of the best 150-yard tee shots # 2 has ever seen – right, Stuart?

Scott: You mocking me? 

Berman: Me – never.  How would you know?  Speech communication majors don’t take acting classes at Carolina, do they?  This is what he gets for smacking his headcover Frank in the head in that commercial for having a beer with a love interest – hell hath no fury like a headcover scorned.  So here’s Tiger’s second from about 9 miles and he takes a mammoth cut at it trying to turn it around the corner.  Unfortunately, this ball does not listen nearly as well as the one in the commercials and ends up in the pine needles on the right.  Tiger now has the better part of 200 left for his third and puts a big old banana ball into the right bunker – birdie looking unlikely for El Tigre now.

Scott: But clearly what follows is one of the best up and downs # 2 has ever seen.  Tiger, grinding as only he can, pops it out to 25 and drains the putt – boo-yeah! – to stay at 3 over.  Tiger would then make par on # 3 to conclude his day at +2 through 12 holes.  So in spite of all the bad breaks – the putt into the water on # 13, burning the edge on 14, hitting the flag and into the bunker at #1 – Tiger finishes in great position.

Berman: Sure, great position if you don’t mind watching Vijay and Phil throw up 68 and 70 to be at -4 and -2, not to mention DiMarco at -5.  Remember, in the 3 Masters Tiger has won his first round score has been 70.  The last 2 years he has had 76 and 75 and not been in contention.  Tiger’s playing partners Darren “I can’t eat any more Clark bars or I’ll gain back my weight” had even-par 72 and Carlos “Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead” had 76 and will need something in the 60s tomorrow to keep his weekend hopes alive.

Scott: Man, you need a vacation Boomer – why do you have to throw all this negative energy at Tiger before he finishes round 1?

Berman: Negative energy – you want negative energy – how about DiMarco’s quote?  When asked about Tiger’s putt on 13 and the flag-to-bunker adventure on 1, DiMarco said “He’s had his share of breaks in his career.  That’s golf.”  Tiger’s not going to get a lot of sympathy from the guys in front or behind him these days.  So that’s enough Tiger highlights, here are some actual highlights from the leaders.  Yes, there were some players in red figures today at Augusta ...

Masters Preparation Meeting - April 1, 2005

Hootie Johnson: “Barkeep – another round for my friends and I – and put it on my tab.”

Bartender: “Mr. Johnson, are you sure – should I call a driver to get everyone home?”

Hootie: “A driver?  I’ve already got a designated driver – Martha Burke – gonna grab her by the ankles and wallop a sweet fade on # 1, then let her drive me home.  You want good ol’ Southern boy, I’ll eat all the grits you got”

Arnie: “Hootie – focus man – we’ve got a lot to discuss.”

Hootie: “What – oh, right – thanks, Arnold.  And thanks for the fine mess we’re in – we thought we were in good shape after your tournament had Vijay dueling Perry all tied up on the 18th.  Then we end up going to Sawgrass and leave it to old Finchem to give us Fred Funk’s career moment as he 3-jacks it on 17 then has to scramble to make par on 18 to defeat Donald, Lehman, and Verplank by 1.  When did the Players become the US Open’s southern division?”

Finchem: “Hey, pipe down, Hootie.  Barkeep – another round for my friends and I – and put it on my tab.  First, that was a tremendous approach to stay dry on 17 – we can forgive the 3-putt.  Second, 18 was a bear on Sunday and par was a good score.  Third, everyone should know all four of the top finishers – they’re Ryder Cuppers and good players.”

Hootie: “Yeah, but they’re not Tiger, Phil, Ernie and Vijay, now are they?  Look at last year’s Masters – all 4 right there in contention on the back 9.”

Jack Nicklaus: “Hootie – all due respect – but while Phil and Ernie were going after each other on the back 9, Tiger and Vijay were 11 and 9 shots back at the end of Sunday.”

Hootie: “Oh, come on, Jack – you take away those 3 doubles Tiger made and give him birdies on the par 5s on the weekend and he’s only 2 back.  Tiger’s never out of it – just ask him.  He can show up Sunday 10 shots back in 40th place and he’ll still tell you he’s got a shot.  And Vijay – just turn that 37 on the back 9 into 30 and Phil’s putt is for a playoff, not to win.  Let’s see him make that putt then.”

Palmer: “Hootie – Jack’s right – Tiger and Vijay were irrelevant on Sunday last year.  But maybe you had another point?”

Hootie: “Yes, thanks Arnold – and I won’t be forced to go there at the point of a bayonet.  Boy, I still love that line – how do you like me now, Martha!?  Right, sorry, so we’re here to talk about course setup.  Given Finchem’s Folly last week, how do we want to set the course up for this year’s Masters?  A couple of primary issues – the first cut, green speed, my inability to cope with erectile dysfunction”

Finchem: “I’ll take a pass on the last, but I believe you boys have the same goal we have – to identify the best players in the world over 4 days.  To do that, let the fairways run and let