Lies, damn lies, and (PGA Tour Golf) statistics: Our cast of characters (aka The Regulars)

Here is a quick overview of the "regulars" at the 19th hole - no topic is out of bounds, and facts in some cases are entirely optional, but they usually put up a mildly entertaining discussion ...

Rick Coleman (aka The Bomber) – all is right with the world when the Steelers are in first place in the NFC Central, or whatever division the NFL happens to re-align them into to fit their little “expansion tendency” (Rick’s a little old-fashioned – he’s got a hard time dealing with the fact that they play the Cleveland Browns 4 times a year – the whole Baltimore Ravens thing never quite worked for him). Unclear on whether or not the Pirates became a Triple A club after they got rid of Bonds, Bonilla and Van Slyke – the crowds near Three Rivers throughout the summer cause only confusion since there can’t be that many concerts in Pittsburgh – can there? Still able to hit it 270 with frightening ease, and still able to find most of them. Then the hard work begins – anything inside 100 yards involving a club with a “wedge” in the title is like a rookie at the craps table – could end up tremendously happy or very disappointed with little understanding of what caused the difference. Plays to a 14, but happily plays against 8s and 10s straight up and is only too happy to buy drinks afterward so he can announce to anyone who will listen “if my buddy Angelo’s an 8 and doesn’t want to give me strokes – well, OK, but he’s gotta live with himself – hahahahahaha!” Huge fan of most bombers, including John Daly, Vijay Singh, Laura Davies and yes, even Hank Kuehne. Willing to point out to anyone that Tiger’s not a bomber because he hits 3-wood at least twice a round off the tee and his short game is too good to follow in the long line of bombers that started with Jones and goes through Snead and Nicklaus – don’t get him started.

Tucker Fitch (aka Mr. Head Case) – a huge fan of all things Boston, particularly the Red Sox and Patriots. Still believes Larry Bird should be coaching the Celtics and cursed the return of the NHL because the Bruins would have to be watched again. Has an instant messenger ID that is juvenile enough to include a reference to a Red Sox World Series being won in his lifetime – still unsure if he should change it after the 2004 Series win over the Cardinals. Unsure if there are PGA tour golfers named something other than Tiger Woods or those two northeastern products Billy Andrade and Brad Faxon. Currently a 20-handicap, but plays like a 25 when there’s money on the line, and like a 30 if there’s a putt of any significance to it. When not home with his wife and 4-year old son can be found at work selling custom magazines for a large home magazine publisher. Don’t even ask him about drafting Terrell Owens with the first pick in his 2005 Fantasy Football League – the last person to try humor with that one hasn’t been seen since.

Walt Feinstein (aka The Wizard) – no relation to John Feinstein (no matter how convoluted a tale he offers), but a huge fan. Sadly these days a fan of most bay area sports teams – confident that Mike Nolan is the right guy to get the 9ers turned back around in the right direction (imagine a grown man with voodoo dolls of John York and Terry Donahue), Mike Montgomery and Chris Mullin are the perfect duo to put the Warriors back into the playoffs, and the Sharks are the NHL’s version of the “Moneyball” Oakland A’s. Glees openly at the Eagles fiasco created by Terrell Owens (aka “locker room cancer”) and at Randy Moss’ inability to turn the Raiders back into a playoff contender (thanks God often – some would say too often – for Tampa stealing Gruden away – like I said, a fan of most bay area teams). Received a San Jose Sabercats Jersey as a gift, but refuses to wear it, saying real football is played outdoors on a full field (don’t remind him that the 9ers have a great Super Bowl record in domes). Currently playing to a 19, but only too happy to report that he was “a 12 before the 4 kids showed up – that’s almost 2 strokes a kid, and my wife’s ready for more!” Hits it about 260 off the tee – downhill, with the wind, with lots of roll in July – other than that he hits it about 220. Played with the same sticks for almost 12 years, but has upgraded every club in the bag in the last 5 years (some more than once) in his quest for distance and forgiveness as the (ahem) finely tuned swing of his youth gives way to a lunging nearing-40-year-old hack that resembles Vijay Amritaj (Indian Davis Cup player if you didn’t already know) than Vijay Singh. Still believes David Duval has one more major in him, strenuously objects to the media’s willingness to hail Tiger as the Boy King and put him on a pedestal the minute he turned pro, and finds it more than a little ironic that the same media that cover Tiger as if nobody else mattered seems willing to overlook Annika’s accomplishments (which, he will point out in mind-numbing detail, are actually much more impressive than Tiger’s, particularly lately) and already begin the “Hail Michelle Wie” treatment. Fun to play with most of the year, but can be particularly challenging those weeks after a Tiger win – particularly those that come by large margins or in majors. Wild rumors abound that he actually authors a blog about golf and media coverage – he completely and utterly denies any knowledge of this activity with such fervor that the others are beginning to look into the rumor mill and see if there’s any substance at all to them … nothing yet.

Billy Despars (aka “3-jack”) – yes, a simple and multi-purpose nickname. Normally, a quality lag putter, a bit of the yips kicks in on the back 9 and during one particularly notable 3-match stretch he 3-putted from 19, 16, and, yes, 8 feet on the 18^th hole to lose all 3 matches 1 down. The third effort of the third match (which, sadly was from 15 feet after the putter just exploded out of his hands) was so weak none of the others in the foursome could watch. Originally born in Sydney, Australia, he moved at 8 and became a SoCal boy. His sporting allegiances run towards the Raiders (the version that played in the Coliseum, as he’s quick to clarify – of course he’s really a rugby fan), Dodgers (but, as much as it pains him, the Angels are fun to watch with Vlad in the lineup – and baseball’s a warm-up act for the real ball sport of cricket), and the Lakers (but, boy, Dunleavy’s got those Clippers playing well). In short, a man of no intestinal fortitude with absolutely no loyalty – a perfect fourth to this barbershop quartet. When not out selling high-speed internet equipment (“someone’s gotta make your porn load faster – I’m your guy”), he coaches his daughter’s soccer and softball teams with Walt (the devil you know is always easier to coach with than the devil you don’t …) and spends time with his wife and 3 kids watching Disney movies on DVD and playing board games for the under-12 set (“finally – something I can win at!”) Currently sporting a 17 handicap, but quick to point out the real handicap is his backswing. Oh, yes, the other use of that nickname – “3 jack and cokes” – his standard post-round fare. These days, with DUI laws being what they are, a ride home is usually required, and one of the other 3 is only too happy to oblige since Billy is, without question, the funniest of the four, and even funnier during the first two drinks. After that, well, it’s best to get him to a car before that third one hits the counter empty. This explains his undying support of Fuzzy Zoeller, John Daly, John Jacobs (that guy on the Senior tour that won that really wild duel with McCord a few years back), Sam Torrance (that hard-drinking Ryder Cup captain) and anyone else that can toss back a few and still play some great golf. Can’t understand why the media is still spending any time on Annika now that Michelle’s “Hello World” speech is done and she’s a pro (“If she weren’t a minor … and I weren’t married …”)

Comments

Guys:

You might have noticed that we included Lies, damn lies, and (PGA Tour Golf) statistics on our blog links page (http://www.travelgolf.com/blogs/golf-blogs.htm). Any chance you would return the favor and include this in your Cool Golf Blogs links?

TravelGolf.com Blogs
http://www.travelgolf.com/blogs/

Thanks in advance,
Sian Reynolds

Posted by: Sian Reynolds | January 20, 2006 at 07:57 AM

If I remember correctly, Walt Feinstein had a brief but torrid affair with the Medicus "Guaranteed to shave a stroke per round!" Club. This was not his only walk on the dark side of swing enhancement. These kind of unfortunate and always tragic delusional episodes with non-USGA approved "equipment" are all just fine - until someone gets an eye poked out.

Posted by: MJ Delaney | February 18, 2006 at 08:59 PM