Finally – a new piece of golf equipment designed to make golf balls go less far!

(Editor’s note – the following fictional press release is for a product that, as of this writing, does not exist – but stay tuned, you never know …)

Hi, I’m Henry Paris, the CEO of Sticky Wicket.  For those of you that missed it, here’s the content from today’s press release.  I’ll give you a few minutes to read it and then take some questions.  We’re excited about today’s new product, as well as our new funding, and expect to develop some really revolutionary products moving forward. 

PRESS RELEASE

Finally – a new piece of golf equipment designed to make golf balls go less far!

Carlsbad, CA, November 18, 2005

Sticky Wicket, Inc. today announces the release of it’s first commercial product, the “Sticky Soft Flagstick.”  The Sticky Soft Flagstick is intended to help golfers all over the world score better by making it easier for them to aim right at the flag without worrying about bad bounces.  Sticky Soft Flagsticks are padded with a proprietary invention that helps reduce golf ball spin and minimize the distance a ball travels after striking one.  In 98% of the cases, our lab tests confirm that a ball that strikes a Sticky Soft will not roll more than 8 yards.  Sticky Softs will be available for general purchase by any golf course starting today, and we have a nationwide sales force and telemarketing effort in place now in anticipation of significant demand from any course that wants to serve lower handicap and frequent golfers. 

Our sales efforts will focus on building a sales channel targeting private and high-end public golf courses, and a print and TV campaign begins tomorrow that will drive widespread awareness of the product and allow golfers that want Sticky Softs at their course to call 1-800-GET-STICKY and let us know where they play regularly so our sales force can contact the course and find out when they can “Get Sticky” at their course. 

END OF RELEASE

So, any questions.  Yes, you in the back?

Reporter: Yes, can you tell us how much the Sticky Soft flagsticks will cost?

Henry: They are available at a suggested retail price of $300 each, or $5,400 for an entire set.

Reporter: Wow – competitive flags are available for $20 from numerous manufacturers like

Henry: Whoa, easy there big fella, this is my press conference – no need to mention competitors.  We’re confident that our price point will be well accepted by the marketplace when they get a chance to see the quality of our product and it’s impact on their members.  Yes, you in the tartan plaid – well, aren’t you hard to miss?

Reporter: Yes – thank you – so just to be clear, you have no problem bringing a product to market that is roughly 15x what comparable products cost and that many courses have plenty of already?  And a follow-up – what’s the big impact on their members?

Henry: Our crack market research team did hundreds of consumer surveys and there’s no question that the market for high-end courses to use these flagsticks is large and growing.  Again, we feel the value of our product more than justifies our products – particularly since they come with a lifetime replacement guarantee.

Reporter: For that price, they should practically service me if my approach shot lands within 15 yards of the hole.  I’ll give you Sticky Wicket – hahahahahaha.

Henry: Yes, well, thanks for that.  As I was saying, the big impact on members is the positive feelings members and guests will have when their shots hit the flagstick and roll off the green or worse.  We’ve all had that sinking feeling after hitting a brilliant shot – we’re posing and watching it in the air, only to have it clank off the flagstick and off the green.  That’s a bad experience, and we can eliminate it if everyone were to install Sticky Soft flagsticks today.  Yes, you with the Prada bag.

Reporter: Thank you for noticing – I just wondered what the inspiration was for this product?  There’s nothing like it in the marketplace yet – are you sure there’s a need?

Henry:  To be honest, we weren’t sure.  We’ve been developing the flagsticks for about 8 years and weren’t really sure what to do with them.  We’re primarily an R&D shop that Callaway Golf decided to spin off at the height of the dot-com boom, so obviously we’re only just now learning how to deliver products to market that consumers and golf courses need.  We think this is the first of many exciting products we can deliver.  The inspiration for the eventual release of the product came in the spring.

Reporter: Wait a minute, this was at the Buick at Torrey Pines, right?  Charles Howell III comes down to the last hole needing a birdie to tie, and an eagle to win, then slam dunks a wedge that amazingly bounces out of the cup and into the water.  Just like that, he goes from an eagle to a bogey and loses by 3.  That must’ve been the impetus.

Henry: Bzzzzzt – no, but thanks for playing – and I think most of Torrey Pines drives Cadillacs.  First of all, that was a problem with the cup, not the flagstick – we’ve got other products that we’ll announce next year that might fix problems like that.  Second, Tiger won the Buick – you try rolling out a product that might have put Tiger in a playoff and/or cost him a tournament – you may not like your job, sir, but I like mine.  Third, Charles may have nice clothes and an even temperament, but product spokesperson he’s not.  No, the tournament that drove our decision to roll this product out was the 2005 Masters.  Tiger hits the pin on # 1 after a great drive and the ball caroms right into a bunker – completely unfair, and Tiger makes bogey.  Now there’s something you can build a marketing campaign around. 

Reporter: Got it, so Augusta was the driving force.  Now, back to your previous point, I’m guessing that I, like a bunch of folks in this room, have never hit a flagstick in our life, except that one I broke with my wedge on 13 after my chip lipped out – oh, and there was that one my caddy dropped our bag on accidentally at TPC.  So given that so few of us have hit flagsticks, is there really a demand for this type of product, particularly at that price? 

Henry: Our research would say yes – golfers all want to be like Tiger so when they see him aiming right at the pin they will too, and we want to be there for them so when their game improves their scores will too. 

Reporter:  A noble and worthy objective, indeed – but are you really expecting consumers to call a number to tell you to contact their course and get the flags installed?

Henry: Absolutely, we’ve had a blog with the # on it for a few weeks now and we’ve gotten several calls. 

Reporter: Isn’t it fair to say that most of those calls were from people who had complaints about your blog content?

Henry: What the – first of all, I don’t believe so, and how would you know that type of information anyway?

Reporter:  I talked to one of your ex-call center employees and they said that an unexpectedly low # of calls has been received to date, which is why she was laid off.  She did say the two calls she got on her last day were about complaints with some of the content on your blog. 

Henry:  I have no idea what you’re talking about

Reporter:  Wait a minute, guys, I’ve got one of those cool new phones with a little web browser on it.  I just Googled Henry Paris and he used to be known as Radley Metzger, and check this out, he used to be an adult film producer.  He produced Private Afternoons of Pamela Mann – truly a classic – and many other films.  Apparently he’s made quite the career change with his move to the golf business and the head position at Sticky Wicket.

Beavis: Hehehe – he said “head position.”

Butthead: Hehehe – he said “sticky wicket.” 

Beavis: Shut up Butthead

Reporter: Someone shut that TV off – so it is an impressive career shift Mr. Metzger – er, Paris.  I’d like an answer to the question –

Henry: The blog happens to be about my old life as a film producer – I keep a running list of who’s doing what and who’s living where so some of my old industry contacts can keep track of each other.  We all use LinkedIn – it’s the best way to stay in touch. 

Reporter:  Well, how very tech-savvy of you – I like Friendster, and I’m surprised you don’t given your background, but nevertheless I was asking about a different question – do you really think there’s a market opportunity here, and how did you convince the VCs that this is a big opportunity?

Henry:  It wasn’t that hard.  VCs are always looking for anything with an up-and-to-the-right curve, and all we had to do was show a few curves around an increasing number of golfers and an increase in equipment quality resulting in an increase in the number of flagsticks hit per round.  Voila – just like that, you get a VC salivating at the mere mention of “buried lie.”  It’s like the “3 guys and a napkin” time a few years back – throw enough charts and jargon at them and the average VC loses their bearings in about 10 minutes thinking of the remodel they can pull off after the IPO. 

Reporter:  But how can you build charts to support this product?  The number of golfers played is flat to declining and retention is the big issue.  The number of rounds per year is also flat to declining.  Equipment has been improving for the past 50+ years and yet the average handicap has remained relatively constant.  Finally, there’s no evidence to suggest that for the average golfer – or any golfer – hitting the flagstick is a realistic concern.  So why would a VC write a check that goes anywhere near this industry?

Henry:  Well, we’ve got other products and revenue opportunities in the pipeline.  You mentioned the Buick – we’re working on a padded cup to prevent that from happening again, as well as padded sprinkler heads for use around the greens.  We’re one or two bounces away from those being a nice idea – they’re already testing well, we just need Tiger to bounce a couple balls off sprinkler heads and over greens to really stir up some interest.  And of course there are sponsorship opportunities for the flags – we’re lining up companies that might have interest.  Hybrid greens with Velcro patches are under development – no clear timeline for when they will be released but that would allow high spin-rate players like Tiger to fire right at the pin and know their good shots will be rewarded. 

Reporter:  Padded sprinkler heads, hybrid greens – isn’t it a little silly, shouldn’t we just let the rub of the green determine the result in some cases?

Henry:  Maybe you guys in the media like it that way, but the folks at the PGA and the tournaments certainly have other thoughts.  They’re working with us to make sure all the big tournaments take a look at our product.  They don’t want luck to have a large part in determining the outcome, and they believe our product helps. 

Reporter:  So this whole product line is aimed at professional tour stops and minimizing unfair bounces?

Henry:  Pretty much, yes. 

Reporter:  And a VC felt like this was worth writing a check to get you moving forward on approaching golf courses nationwide? 

Henry:  Yes.

Reporter:  And you think the media is full of idiots – what does that financing round make VCs??

Henry:  No comment.

Comments

[Danno Recommends Colored Golf Balls]

Sticky flag sticks? Are they going to use that stuff to put on the windmills at miniature golf courses too?